| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:05] | I’m seeing someone. | 我在约会 |
| [00:07] | Someone I met at work. | 和工作上认识的人 |
| [00:08] | – Is he your boss? – No, he’s right here. | -你的老板吗 -不 他就在这 |
| [00:10] | Ted, this is Pete. | 泰德 这位是皮特 |
| [00:11] | Did you tell him about Seth Meyers? | 你跟他说了赛斯·梅耶斯的事了吗 |
| [00:13] | – Shit. – He’s so great. | -厉害啊 -他可好了 |
| [00:14] | Yeah. Dreamy. I’m talking about Seth Myers. | 对 他很好 但我说的是赛斯·梅耶斯 |
| [00:17] | You got– You’re doing late night? | 你要上《深夜秀》 |
| [00:20] | Okay, let’s go meet your parents. | 好 我们去见你父母吧 |
| [00:21] | Who’s this? | 这是谁 |
| [00:22] | Remember the weekend that I worked in New Jersey? | 还记得我整个周末在新泽西一家俱乐部工作吗 |
| [00:24] | She was there. | 她也在 |
| [00:25] | – And what am I gonna– – And you stayed in the same condo? | -我能怎么办 -你们俩住同一套公寓吗 |
| [00:27] | Can we talk about this later? | 我们能不能晚点再聊 |
| [00:32] | – I wanna know what you think. – Well, are you wearing a bra? | -我想知道你的想法 -你穿胸罩了吗 |
| [00:34] | – Is that your business? – Mom. | -这关你什么事吗 -妈 |
| [00:36] | It’s my business when you’re sitting next to me in church. | 你在教堂坐我旁边就是我的事 |
| [00:39] | We’re outta here. We’re going. | 我们走吧 我们走 |
| [00:40] | I’m really sorry, and I love you. | 我真的很抱歉 我爱你 |
| [00:42] | I love you too. | 我也爱你 |
| [00:51] | The judges were in total agreement | 评委们已经达成一致 |
| [00:53] | as to who should be our star baker. | 即将决出谁是我们的明星烘焙师 |
| [00:56] | Kitty, I’m gonna get going. | 凯蒂 我要走了 |
| [00:58] | What? Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? | 什么 等等 你要去哪 |
| [01:00] | Remember? Ali did stand-up on Seth Meyers? | 记得吗 爱丽在塞斯·梅耶斯的节目上表演单口 |
| [01:03] | Some comics are gonna get together and watch. | 一些喜剧演员要一起看 |
| [01:05] | Oh, no, I’m so sleepy. | 不 我太困了 |
| [01:07] | I don’t think I can go out tonight. | 今晚我不能去了 |
| [01:09] | – Sorry. – That’s okay. It’s– It’s just kinda… | -抱歉 -没事 只是… |
| [01:12] | It’s like a comic thing. Just a me thing. | 这只是喜剧演员间的事 是我的私事 |
| [01:16] | Oh, I’m not invited? | 没有邀请我吗 |
| [01:17] | No, of course you’re invited. | 不 当然邀请你了 |
| [01:18] | – You’re invited. – It sounds like I’m not invited. | -你被邀请了 -听上去不是这样 |
| [01:21] | No, I– Kitty, I barely want to go. | 不 我 凯蒂 我都不怎么想去 |
| [01:24] | I just felt weird, you know, not saying yes. | 只是不好意思拒绝 |
| [01:27] | – Okay. – I hope it’s not– | -好吧 -希望你没有 |
| [01:30] | You don’t still feel weird about Ali and me and the road or… | 你不会觉得我和爱丽 还有我的职业有什么想法 |
| [01:33] | No, Pete. I don’t hate Ali. | 不 皮特 我不讨厌爱丽 |
| [01:35] | I just– If you’re gonna hang out with your ex-girlfriend, | 我只是 如果你要跟前女友见面 |
| [01:38] | I would like to know about it | 希望你告诉我一声 |
| [01:39] | in advance, because that was weird. | 提前说一声 因为那样有点奇怪 |
| [01:41] | If it– Yeah. | 如果… 好吧 |
| [01:45] | – I don’t have to go. – No, it sounds like you should go. | -我不是非去不可 -不 你应该去 |
| [01:48] | It sounds like you wanna go and it’ll be fun. | 你好像想去 而且很有意思 |
| [01:51] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [01:54] | – Do you want to come? – Do you want me to come? | -你想去吗 -你想让我去吗 |
| [01:56] | I want you to come with me if you want to come with me. | 如果你想去我就想啊 |
| [01:58] | Do you– If– Just, do you want to? | 你.. 你想去吗 |
| [02:01] | Well, I don’t want to come if you don’t, like, want me to come. | 如果你不想我去 我就不想去 |
| [02:04] | You’re invited, yes. | 你被邀请了 真的 |
| [02:06] | I want you to go if you want to go. | 如果你想去我就想你去 |
| [02:09] | Is it gonna be fun? | 好玩吗 |
| [02:10] | Yes. Yeah! I think so. | 好玩 我觉得好玩 |
| [02:13] | Just a bunch of comedians in a comedy club | 就是一群喜剧演员在一家喜剧俱乐部里 |
| [02:16] | talking about comedy, that’s fun. | 聊喜剧 很好玩 |
| [02:19] | What’s more fun than that? | 还有比这更好玩的吗 |
| [02:22] | – Okay, I’ll come. – Great! | -好吧 我去 -太好了 |
| [02:24] | – Let me just change. – Okay. | -我换件衣服 -好 |
| [02:34] | Maybe this is a mistake. | 或许这是个错误 |
| [02:35] | – What? – What? | -什么 -什么 |
| [02:36] | This whole party thing just feels really excessive. | 这个派对太过头了 |
| [02:39] | – No. – Right? To, like, do it at The Cellar? | -没有 -对吗 在酒窖里 |
| [02:41] | We could just watch it at my apartment. | 我们可以在我家看 |
| [02:42] | Stop it. You need to start to learn how to celebrate yourself. | 别说了 你得开始学着怎么为自己庆祝 |
| [02:45] | You know, part of being an empowered woman | 做个强势的女性 |
| [02:47] | is unapologetically showing the world how much you matter. | 就是要向整个世界展示自己有多重要 |
| [02:50] | – Thank you! – Oh, then I wore that dress! | -谢谢 -我还穿了裙子 |
| [02:53] | I never wear dresses to do stand-up, | 我从不穿裙子做单口的 |
| [02:55] | and then I suddenly decided | 然后我突然决定 |
| [02:56] | that was the move for national television. | 要在全国电视播出中这么做 |
| [02:58] | Oh, that’s what you do! | 你就要这样 |
| [03:00] | Don’t you want to look great when you’re on a date with destiny? | 你不想在决定命运的时刻打扮漂亮点吗 |
| [03:04] | That’s why you’d wear a dress. | 所以你穿了裙子 |
| [03:07] | How did you know this was happening? | 你怎么知道的 |
| [03:09] | I got my sources. | 我有线人 |
| [03:11] | Pete told you? | 皮特告诉你的 |
| [03:12] | Yeah, he’s a satisfied client of mine. | 是的 他是我的很满意的一位客户 |
| [03:14] | Listen, Ali, everyone is here to support you. | 爱丽 大家都是来支持你的 |
| [03:16] | – Come on, this is a big night! – This is your night! | -今晚是个大日子 -今晚属于你 |
| [03:18] | It’s not that big of a deal, guys, really. | 真的没什么的 |
| [03:20] | Well, you know, it could be. | 这个可以有 |
| [03:22] | With the right help, with the right support system, | 找靠谱的人帮你 靠谱的团队 |
| [03:24] | you could take this and turn it into something big. | 你就能把这个变成了不起的事 |
| [03:26] | You’re gonna need somebody on your team, okay? | 你需要自己的团队 好吗 |
| [03:28] | You can’t represent yourself. | 你不能自己代表自己 |
| [03:30] | What if Whitney Houston sang “The Star-Spangled Banner” | 要是惠特尼·休斯顿唱了《星条旗永不落》 |
| [03:32] | and nobody told anybody about it? | 却没人帮她口口相传呢 |
| [03:34] | What if Prince did the halftime show at the Super Bowl | 要是普林斯在超级碗做了中场表演 |
| [03:36] | and nobody ever saw it? Where would we be now? | 却没人看过呢 我们现在会怎样 |
| [03:38] | I don’t really think managers do as much as | 我觉得经纪人没有你想的 |
| [03:41] | – you think managers do. – But they could. | -那么有用 -但他们可以 |
| [03:43] | I could introduce you to Scott Disick. | 我可以把你推荐给斯考特·迪斯科 |
| [03:45] | I just met him at a rave. | 我刚在狂欢晚会上见着他 |
| [03:46] | All right. | 好吧 |
| [03:48] | I had a heart attack in February, and, um, | 我二月时心脏病发了 |
| [03:50] | I don’t even like the fact | 我根本不喜欢 |
| [03:51] | that I have to tell people I had a heart attack. | 告诉别人我心脏病发作过 |
| [03:53] | Like, I wish, you know, I’m supposed to be famous, | 我希望 我应该是个名人了 |
| [03:55] | you know, but it’s, like, I’m famous but nobody knows. | 但我出名了却没人知道 |
| [03:58] | Like, I’m famous but nobody cares. That’s been my problem. | 我出名了但是没人在乎 我一直有这个困扰 |
| [04:01] | I’m famous, but I’ve been famous too many times back | 我很有名 但我在成名与不成名之间 |
| [04:04] | and then unfamous and then famous again. | 徘徊了太多次 |
| [04:06] | And after a while, people are just over it, unfortunately. | 不幸的是 过了阵子 大家都忘了这事 |
| [04:09] | Like, in this neighborhood– true story– | 在这个社区里 真实故事 |
| [04:11] | these guys were bringing a couch up a stoop, like, | 有几个人正在把一座沙发抬出门 |
| [04:13] | and they recognized me, knew my name, ’cause I’m famous. | 他们认出了我 知道我的名字 因为我很有名 |
| [04:15] | Guy goes, “Colin Quinn– | 那哥们喊道 “科林·奎恩…” |
| [04:17] | He starts dropping his– | 他放下自己抬着的那角 |
| [04:18] | “Grab the other end for a second.” | “帮我抬一下那边” |
| [04:21] | That’s not how you speak to famous people, folks. | 不能这样跟名人说话 伙计们 |
| [04:23] | You understand? You’re supposed to be a little reverent. | 明白吗 应该稍微放尊敬一点 |
| [04:26] | Nobody’s ever like, “Hey, Rihanna, you got jumper cables?” | 从没人说 “蕾哈娜 你有车用跳线吗” |
| [04:32] | – Is that her? – Yeah. | -是她吗 -是的 |
| [04:34] | – She’s not mousy! – Shh, don’t say that. | -她个子也没那么小 -别这么说 |
| [04:37] | – Hi, Ali! Hi! – Oh my God. Hey, hi! | -爱丽 -我的天 |
| [04:40] | – So nice to finally meet you. – So nice to meet you! | -很高兴终于见到你了 -很高兴见到你 |
| [04:42] | – It’s Kat? – Yes! | -这是凯特吗 -对 |
| [04:44] | Yes, hi. I was worried I was hugging a stranger. | 好的 我还担心我抱了陌生人 |
| [04:46] | – No, this is Kat. Hi, hi. – Hi, hi. You are Pete. | -不 这是凯特 -你是皮特 |
| [04:49] | – Still Pete, yes. – Yes. Pete in a hat. | -没错 还是皮特 -戴帽子的皮特 |
| [04:51] | – How did it go? – It was good. | -录得怎么样 -挺好的 |
| [04:53] | – Good? Great? – Yeah, it was– Yeah, I think it was great. | -很不错吧 -对 我觉得很棒 |
| [04:55] | I mean, I don’t know. It was either good or bad, | 我也不知道效果好不好 |
| [04:57] | we’ll see when it airs. | 等播出时我们就知道了 |
| [04:59] | No, you’re a stand-up comedian! | 你可是单口喜剧演员 |
| [05:00] | – Like, that is so crazy! That is so cool! – Yeah. | -这简直是太赞了 太酷了 -是啊 |
| [05:03] | – Congrats! – It is crazy. | -恭喜你 -是很赞 |
| [05:05] | You had a dream and it came true. | 你实现了自己的梦想 |
| [05:07] | – Oh, well, yeah. Guess that’s– – How amazing is that? | -是啊 应该是… -那该有多棒啊 |
| [05:11] | – That’s crazy. – Yeah. | -很不可思议 -是吧 |
| [05:12] | Um, you guys are tall! | 你们好高啊 |
| [05:15] | – I’m like craning my neck to look at you. – Yeah. | -我得仰着脖子看你们 -对啊 |
| [05:18] | You’re both very tall and blonde, | 你们都很高 都是金发 |
| [05:20] | and the half-Jewish part of me is scared. | 我体内那一半犹太血统已经开始害怕了 |
| [05:24] | Don’t hurt me. | 别伤害我 |
| [05:26] | – We’re very open-minded. – Yeah. | -我们很开明的 -是啊 |
| [05:30] | Yeah, well, we don’t want to bother you. | 好了 我们不想打扰你 |
| [05:34] | What? Oh, hi, hi. | 什么 |
| [05:36] | – I got you a drink. – Oh, thank you. Thanks! | -我给你带了杯酒 -谢谢你 |
| [05:39] | – Pete. – Ted. | -皮特 -泰德 |
| [05:41] | – It’s Ted. – Wait, you’re so tall. | -这是泰德 -等等 你也很高 |
| [05:43] | You were giving us shit about being tall, | 你吐槽我们高 |
| [05:45] | – but he’s so tall. – He is. | -但他也很高 -确实 |
| [05:47] | – What the fuck? – She’s, uh, three talls. | -这算什么 -她在三个高的人中间 |
| [05:49] | Oh, my God. I’m surrounded. | 天啊 我被包围了 |
| [05:51] | That’s so cute. | 真有爱 |
| [05:52] | I want to say hi to Estee in case she leaves. | 我想在埃斯蒂走之前和她打个招呼 |
| [05:55] | – Okay, cool. – So I’ll be right back. | -好的 -我马上回来 |
| [05:57] | – Cool. – I’m just gonna get this out of the way. | -行 -我过去了 |
| [05:58] | – Yeah, yeah. – We’ll just hang out. | -好的 -我们聊聊 |
| [06:00] | – Okay, fine. – Compare notes. | -行 -多交流 |
| [06:03] | Ninety percent of people that kill really hard, | 90%的人都演得很棒 |
| [06:05] | – there’s something hacky going on. – Interesting. | -一定有什么猫腻 -有意思 |
| [06:10] | If you’re killing for an hour, you’re hacking? | 如果你一小时都搞笑 就耍诈了吗 |
| [06:13] | – If you’re getting… – No. | -如果你… -不 |
| [06:14] | …every moron in the crowd | 每一个观众席上的白痴 |
| [06:16] | cackling, falling over their set for an hour, | 坐在座位上大笑一小时 |
| [06:18] | I guarantee there’s a lot of hack stuff going on in there. | 这其中一定有什么猫腻 |
| [06:20] | – I disagree. – Estee, damn it! | -我不同意 -埃斯蒂 去你的 |
| [06:26] | Then all you need just to play the devil’s advocate. | 你只需要有魔鬼相助 |
| [06:28] | Sorry. Hi, Estee. I’m Pete. | 打扰了 埃斯蒂 我是皮特 |
| [06:31] | Hi. I know who you are. | 我知道你是谁 |
| [06:35] | I just wanted to say hi to everybody. Wayne. | 我只是想过来和大家打个招呼 韦恩 |
| [06:37] | – Good to see you, brother. – Good to see you. | -你好 老兄 -你好 |
| [06:39] | Dildo dude with the dumb hat. | 戴着傻帽子的假鸡鸡兄弟 |
| [06:41] | – Dildo dude with the dumb hat. – Yes! | -戴着傻帽子的假鸡鸡兄弟 -没错 |
| [06:42] | – That’s my website dot net. Dot com was taken. – Take that off. | -这是我的私人域名 公司的被抢了 -拿下 |
| [06:46] | This is Colin Quinn, by the way. | 这位是科林·奎恩 |
| [06:48] | Really nice to meet you. | 很高兴认识你 |
| [06:50] | Some of us, I don’t know if you noticed, we’re getting together | 你们可能有注意到 我们都在那 |
| [06:52] | to have a screening party for my friend Ali. | 准备为我朋友爱丽开场庆功会 |
| [06:55] | She’s doing Seth Meyers tonight. | 她今晚在赛斯·梅耶斯秀上有表演 |
| [06:57] | – Do you know Ali? She’s wonderful. – No. | -你知道爱丽吗 她超棒 -不知道 |
| [06:59] | She’s beautiful, she’s funny, she’s charismatic. | 她又美又有趣 还很有个人魅力 |
| [07:02] | – She’s going places. – She’s great, she’s great. | -她到处演出 -她很棒 |
| [07:05] | Well, I’ll be at the bar. | 我在吧台 |
| [07:08] | That guy’s got little dick energy. | 这家伙有点怂啊 |
| [07:11] | I know the struggle. | 我懂那种煎熬 |
| [07:12] | Because when my dad first came to America, | 我爸刚来美国时 |
| [07:14] | he used to think the solution from getting deported, | 他以为不被遣送出境的办法 |
| [07:16] | just pretend you’re not Haitian. | 就是假装自己不是海地人 |
| [07:18] | That was his solution if immigration ever come up to you. | 他就是用这种办法应付移民局的人 |
| [07:21] | “You Haitian?” | “你是海地人吗” |
| [07:21] | “No, you crazy. I’m not Haitian.” | “你疯了吧 我才不是海地人” |
| [07:27] | “I’ve been in America five years all my life. | “我这一生的五年来都待在美国 |
| [07:31] | Why you– Why you say that? Who– Who tell you that?” | 你为什么那么说 谁告诉你的” |
| [07:40] | I’m really proud of you for tonight. | 我非常为你今晚的表现骄傲 |
| [07:43] | Thanks, Dad. | 谢了 老爸 |
| [07:45] | I mean it. | 我认真的 |
| [07:46] | Nobody works as hard as you. It’s nice to see it pay off. | 没人比你更努力了 很高兴看到你得到回报 |
| [07:50] | It’s inspiring. I’m happy to see that, | 非常鼓舞人心 我很开心能见证 |
| [07:52] | you know, the good guys win. | 好人有好报 |
| [07:54] | Can you do me a favor? | 你能帮我个忙吗 |
| [07:56] | If the set sucks, will you just tell me, please? | 如果演出很烂 你能直接告诉我吗 |
| [07:59] | Because, well, Ted’s just gonna tell me it’s great | 因为无论如何 |
| [08:02] | no matter what because he loves me. | 泰德只会跟我说好话 因为他爱我 |
| [08:04] | Yeah, it’s not gonna suck. It’s gonna be– | 但不会演砸的 一定会… |
| [08:06] | I mean it. I could go up on stage and vomit and do a curtsey, | 我说真的 我哪怕上台吐了还行屈膝礼 |
| [08:10] | and Ted would be like, “Awesome closer, babe!” | 泰德都会说 “完美的结尾 宝贝” |
| [08:12] | Except, he doesn’t call it the closer. | 除了他不用结尾这个用法 |
| [08:14] | He calls it the finale. | 他称之为尾声 |
| [08:16] | – Like a fireworks display? – Yeah. | -像看烟花表演一样吗 -没错 |
| [08:19] | I’m gonna start using that. | 我要用这个梗了 |
| [08:25] | Can you– Will you excuse me for just one second? | 我失陪一下 |
| [08:28] | – Oh. Yeah. – Sort of worlds colliding. | -好的 -行星撞地球了 |
| [08:33] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [08:34] | I went shopping for a dress, | 我去买裙子 |
| [08:36] | and so he like came into the dressing room with me. | 他和我一起进了试衣间 |
| [08:39] | Whoa, it’s like two naked Big Birds. | 那可是两只裸体大鸟 |
| [08:42] | – That’s exactly what it looks like! – What? | -没错 -什么 |
| [08:48] | – Hello! – What’s going on? | -你们好啊 -聊得怎么样 |
| [08:50] | I’m just telling them about how we met. | 我刚在和他们说我们是如何相遇的 |
| [08:52] | – Not all the details? – Not yet! | -没说所有细节吧 -还没有 |
| [08:55] | – Not all of them, but some important ones were told. – Yes. | -没说完 但有些重点已经说了 -没错 |
| [08:57] | And it was just getting good. | 正要进入高潮呢 |
| [08:59] | In fact, um, was it good for you? | 说到这个 你爽吗 |
| [09:04] | I just want to know. | 我很想知道 |
| [09:06] | Um, tonight, not about that. | 今晚不是聊这个的 |
| [09:09] | It’s about Ali, so… | 是属于爱丽的夜晚… |
| [09:10] | Pete, don’t be embarrassed. You’re sexy. | 皮特 别不好意思 你很性感 |
| [09:13] | – You… You are sexy, Pete. – You are sexy. | -你很性感 皮特 -你很性感 |
| [09:15] | Like, own it, man. Own that sexiness. | 大方地承认吧 承认你的性感 |
| [09:17] | – Yeah, you got that swerve. – Yeah, man. | -没错 你得经历这种转变 -没错 |
| [09:20] | This is great. | 这是很好 |
| [09:22] | Not that good, Pete. | 也没那么好 皮特 |
| [09:23] | Seriously though? Seriously, | 但说真的 |
| [09:25] | I was gonna get a drink, and it looks like | 我本来想去拿杯酒 而看起来 |
| [09:27] | maybe you’d like a sparkling water? | 你想喝气泡水 |
| [09:30] | – Do you want a– – No, can you get me another one? | -你想要… -不 再帮我拿杯酒吧 |
| [09:32] | Why don’t you come with me? | 你跟我一起去吧 |
| [09:34] | – No! – She’s staying. | -不行 -她不去 |
| [09:36] | – But I want to hang out with them. – I wanna have fun with you. | -可是我想跟他们一起 -我想跟你一起 |
| [09:39] | Let’s– Come on, we’ll get a drink together. | 走吧 咱们去喝一杯 |
| [09:41] | Petey, just let me– I’m gonna stay here, okay? | 皮特 让我待在这 行吗 |
| [09:43] | – She’s staying. – Yeah, you always get her. | -她留在这 -就是 你有的是机会 |
| [09:45] | – I’m… – Take your time, man. Let her stay here. | -我 -你慢慢喝 她留在这 |
| [09:47] | Oh, yeah! | 是的 |
| [09:49] | – Thank you. I love you. – Thanks for drinks. | -谢谢 我爱你 -谢谢你的酒 |
| [09:52] | I had sex at a job fair. | 我在招聘会上做过爱 |
| [09:56] | – At which table? – In the bathroom. | -谁家的台子 -在洗手间 |
| [09:58] | In the bathroom? What, like a union man? | 洗手间 工会的人吗 |
| [10:01] | Not a union man. | 不是工会的 |
| [10:03] | He was handing out pamphlets for the Walmart. | 他是给沃尔玛发传单的 |
| [10:08] | – Hi, can I get a shot please? – Peter! | -给我来一杯 -皮特 |
| [10:12] | What? | 什么 |
| [10:13] | What are you doing here? | 你怎么也在这 |
| [10:14] | Ali invited us. | 爱丽邀请我们来的 |
| [10:16] | Her and Jess are like super pals since the roast. | 自从上次烧烤之后她和杰茜就像好闺蜜似的 |
| [10:18] | – Jess is here? – Yeah. | -杰茜也在这 -是的 |
| [10:21] | God, that’s fucking weird, man. | 天啊 这太奇怪了 |
| [10:23] | What is weird? | 怎么奇怪了 |
| [10:24] | My ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend, | 我的前女友 我的现女友 |
| [10:27] | and now my ex-wife are all in the same place, | 还有我的前妻都在同一个地方 |
| [10:29] | that’s weird. | 很奇怪 |
| [10:31] | Cut the negativity, man. That’s awesome! | 别卖乖了 哥们 这多好 |
| [10:34] | You’re talking about three women that you’ve shared love with. | 你说的可是三个你爱过的女人 |
| [10:38] | That’s a beautiful thing. How are you whining about that? | 这是很美好的事情 你怎么还唧唧歪歪的 |
| [10:41] | Don’t make this about you. It’s about Ali. | 别往你身上扯 今天的主角是爱丽 |
| [10:44] | And one day, you’ll be up there performing on Star Search, | 总有一天 你会上《新星秀》表演的 |
| [10:48] | and you’ll get three and three-quarter stars, and you’ll win, | 你会得到3.75星 你会赢的 |
| [10:51] | and Sinbad will be the one frowning that day. | 到那时后皱眉的就该是辛巴德了 |
| [10:51] | 美国喜剧演员 90年代出演HBO而出名 | |
| [10:53] | And we’ll all be here on your side, laughing for you. | 我们都会来这给你捧场 为你大笑 |
| [10:59] | You got rid of your TV a long time ago, huh? | 你很早之前就不看电视了吧 |
| [11:01] | No, I just moved to a place without any electricity. | 嗯 我刚搬到一个连电都没有的地方 |
| [11:07] | What’s all this, Wil? | 这什么情况 威尔 |
| [11:09] | Oh, Ali Reissen doing Seth Meyers. | 爱丽·瑞森上塞斯·梅耶斯的节目了 |
| [11:11] | Ali who? | 哪个爱丽 |
| [11:12] | Ali– Ali Reissen. | 爱丽 爱丽·瑞森 |
| [11:14] | I’ve never seen her my entire life. | 我都没见过她 |
| [11:15] | She’s doing Seth fucking Meyers, | 她就上塞斯·梅耶斯的节目了 |
| [11:18] | and it’s like– it’s like an open mic now? | 现在已经沦落成开放麦了吗 |
| [11:20] | What’s the matter? She’s funny. | 怎么了 她很搞笑 |
| [11:21] | – I mean, they just take anybody now. – It’s not my fault you… | -他们怎么谁都找 -又不是我的错 |
| [11:24] | No, I didn’t know. I thought it was gonna keep coming. | 我又不知道 我以为会保持原样 |
| [11:26] | And now with all this diversity– you’re diverse, | 结果现在已经多样化了 你就是多样化的 |
| [11:29] | you can barely talk, you know what I mean? | 你连话都说不利索 你明白我什么意思吗 |
| [11:30] | You still got a fucking accent | 你已经在这50年了 |
| [11:31] | and you’ve been here like 50 years. | 还有口音 |
| [11:33] | I mean, come on. I mean, seriously. Are you playing it? | 拜托 你是玩呢吧 |
| [11:36] | Can you talk normal and you’re just doing it to get a special? | 你能正常讲话吗 还是为了专场 |
| [11:39] | It’s not my fault you’re using whiteness in the wrong way. | 不是我的错 你把白人用错了 |
| [11:41] | – That’s not my fault. – I know, I know, I know. | -不是我的错 -我知道 我知道 |
| [11:43] | I should’ve been an agent or something. | 我应该当个经纪人什么的 |
| [11:45] | All this whiteness and it got you nowhere. | 就是白人这套弄得你一事无成 |
| [11:47] | Look at this guy. This guy will get a fucking special before me. | 看看这家伙 他会在我前面上专场的 |
| [11:49] | – Because he’s black? – No, ’cause he’s diverse. | -因为他是黑人 -不 因为他多样化 |
| [11:51] | Hey, you guys, it’s about to start! | 快来 要开始了 |
| [11:53] | Um, hi? Hi, excuse me. | 不好意思 |
| [11:55] | Do you mind just putting on NBC, please? | 可以转到NBC台吗 |
| [11:56] | Seth Meyers is about to begin. | 塞斯·梅耶斯要开始了 |
| [11:59] | Thanks. | 谢谢 |
| [12:01] | From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York… | 这里是纽约洛克菲勒广场30号 |
| [12:03] | You recorded this this afternoon? You taped this afternoon? | 你今天下午录的这个 今天下午录的 |
| [12:06] | – Today, yeah. – And now it’s airing. | -今天 -现在就播出了 |
| [12:07] | This is the best time when you don’t even know how it is. | 不知道节目效果是最爽的 |
| [12:10] | – No idea. – So exciting. How do you feel? | -完全不知道 -太兴奋了 你什么感觉 |
| [12:12] | Kind of freaking out. | 有点害怕 |
| [12:13] | Sure, ’cause everything you do lives forever. | 当然 因为你的举动都被录下来了 |
| [12:16] | – That’s the scary part about doing TV. – Oh, God. | -这就是上电视最可怕的事 -天啊 |
| [12:17] | I did Crocodile Dundee 2 , you ever heard of it? | 我演过《鳄鱼邓迪2》 听说过吗 |
| [12:21] | Well, anyway, it was better than one, a lot of people said. | 许多人都说比第一部好 |
| [12:23] | But it’s, you know, people troll you online. | 但是 大家在网上喷你 |
| [12:25] | “Hey fatso. Hey stupid.” | “死胖子 蠢货” |
| [12:27] | – You know, forever. – Oh, God. | -一直都是 -天啊 |
| [12:29] | So he’s in that. I’m in Legally Blonde. | 他演过那个 我演过《律政俏佳人》 |
| [12:31] | Little kids come up to me and they’re like, “I know you! | 小孩们走到我面前说”我认识你 |
| [12:33] | You got Elle Woods into Harvard.” | 你让艾尔·伍兹上了哈佛” |
| [12:36] | It’s fantastic. But other times, like, | 很棒 但是别的时候 |
| [12:38] | you Google my name, guess what comes up? | 在网上搜我的名字 你猜怎么着 |
| [12:40] | Not Legally Blonde. My evening at the Improv. | 没写《律政俏佳人》 我是夜场即兴表演的 |
| [12:43] | Didn’t go well. | 并不如意 |
| [12:44] | I wore a pirate’s jacket on a half-hour comedy special. | 我在一场半小时的喜剧节目里穿了一件海盗衫 |
| [12:47] | – Yeah. – It wasn’t my best look, a mullet. | -是的 -那不是我最好的形象 乌鱼而已 |
| [12:48] | People, to this day, act like I was Harvey Weinstein. | 人们刀尖舔都以为我是哈维·韦恩斯坦 |
| [12:51] | – Oh, God. – It was a bad fashion choice. | -天啊 -就是选错了衣服而已 |
| [12:53] | – Yeah. Forever. – Right, right. Yeah. | -跟你一辈子 -是的 |
| [12:54] | Yeah, here’s the crazy thing. In the future, | 最闹心的是 以后 |
| [12:56] | you’re gonna realize this is probably a terrible set, | 你会意识到这场演得太烂了 |
| [12:58] | because you get better as a comedian. | 因为你会成为越来越厉害的喜剧演员 |
| [13:00] | And you’re like, “Oh, now I know how to do those jokes. | “我知道该怎么抖包袱 |
| [13:02] | Now I know how not to look panicked on television. | 现在我知道上电视怎样显得不慌张” |
| [13:05] | Yeah, our point is, congratulations. | 总之 恭喜你 |
| [13:08] | – You’re in the club now. – Cool! | -你现在出道了 -酷 |
| [13:09] | You know how many people want to do comedy? | 你要知道有多少人想演喜剧 |
| [13:11] | And they don’t ever get on television? | 他们却从来都没上过电视 |
| [13:13] | I’m just gonna… I’ll be right back. | 我得 我去去就回 |
| [13:15] | Okay. It’s exciting. | 多兴奋啊 |
| [13:17] | – Yeah. – Yeah. I would never have a party, though. | -是的 -不过我绝对不会办个派对 |
| [13:20] | – No. No! – God, could you imagine? | -是的 -你能想象吗 |
| [13:42] | What’s up? Are you freaking out? | 怎么了 你害怕了吗 |
| [13:45] | Yeah? What’s– Why? | 对吗 为什么 |
| [13:48] | I feel like I’m not gonna be great. | 我觉得自己不够出色 |
| [13:50] | – You’re gonna be great. – No, no, no. I mean, | -你会很棒的 -不 不 我是说 |
| [13:52] | I’m afraid that I am just good. | 我怕我演得只是好而已 |
| [13:55] | And there are a lot of people who are good, | 很多人演得都好 |
| [13:58] | and I’m just gonna be another good. | 我不过是其中一个 |
| [14:00] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [14:03] | – Do this. – What? | -这样 -什么 |
| [14:05] | Do this with your body. | 身体做这个姿势 |
| [14:08] | – Is this a Jesus thing? – It’s not a Jesus thing. | -这是祷告之类的吗 -不是祷告 |
| [14:10] | It’s a power stance. | 是能量站姿 |
| [14:12] | If you’re feeling small and nervous, | 如果你觉得自己渺小紧张 |
| [14:14] | this tricks your body into feeling good. | 这个能让你的身体感觉很好 |
| [14:17] | It works. I do it before shows. | 很管用 我演出之前都做 |
| [14:21] | Can you feel it? | 你能感觉到吗 |
| [14:22] | – I can feel it. – Don’t fucking lie to me. | -能感觉到 -别骗我 |
| [14:23] | – Can you feel it? – I can feel it! | -能感觉到吗 -能感觉到 |
| [14:27] | I get it. I feel invincible. | 我懂 感觉自己无所不能 |
| [14:31] | Can I get another one? | 能再给我来一杯吗 |
| [14:34] | – You here to see Ali? – What? | -你是来见爱丽的吗 -什么 |
| [14:37] | – For the viewing? You here for that? – Oh, yeah. | -你是来看爱丽上电视的吗 -是的 |
| [14:39] | That’s cool. Me, too. | 太好了 我也是 |
| [14:45] | Wait, who are you? | 等等 你是谁 |
| [14:46] | That’s so funny, ’cause I was just about to tell you who I am. | 真有趣 我正准备告诉你呢 |
| [14:50] | I’m Leif. | 我是利夫 |
| [14:52] | Oh, you’re Leif? | 你是利夫吗 |
| [14:54] | Yeah. | 是的 |
| [14:55] | I’m Kat. I’m Pete’s girlfriend. | 我是凯特 皮特的女朋友 |
| [14:58] | Oh, right. | 好吧 |
| [14:59] | Yeah, I know all about you. | 我知道你的事 |
| [15:00] | You slept with Pete’s wife and you ruined his marriage. | 你睡了皮特的老婆 毁了他的婚姻 |
| [15:03] | Okay, yeah. Marriages die, Kat. | 婚姻会走到尽头 凯特 |
| [15:05] | But out of the ashes rose the beautiful phoenix | 但美好的友谊会像美丽的凤凰 |
| [15:08] | of a lovely friendship. | 在婚姻的灰烬中重生 |
| [15:10] | Does anybody buy your bullshit? | 真的有人会信你的胡说八道吗 |
| [15:13] | I can’t be the judge of that. | 这我说了不算 |
| [15:15] | Jess! | 杰茜 |
| [15:17] | This is Kat. | 这是凯特 |
| [15:19] | It’s so nice to meet you. | 很高兴认识你 |
| [15:21] | Oh, is it? | 是吗 |
| [15:25] | I thought it was. | 我原本是那么想的 |
| [15:28] | She scared me so bad. | 她太吓人了 |
| [15:33] | My bones are ice. | 我骨头发凉 |
| [15:35] | Kids are rough, ’cause they– | 小孩子太难搞了 因为他们… |
| [15:37] | It’s a lot of responsibility. They don’t have any money. | 要担很多责任 他们没钱 |
| [15:40] | I had to buy a bed the other day. You know where I went to buy a bed? | 有天我得去买张床 你们知道我去哪买床吗 |
| [15:42] | Bed, Bath, and Beyond. | 床浴及其他用品店 |
| [15:43] | They don’t sell beds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. | 床浴及其他用品店根本不卖床 |
| [15:46] | I was looking for a bed for half an hour at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, | 我在那里找床找了半小时 |
| [15:48] | just walking around like a fucking idiot. | 像个傻瓜一样乱逛 |
| [15:51] | Finally I just asked a guy, I go, “Where are the beds?” | 最终我问了个店员”床到底在哪呢” |
| [15:53] | He goes, “We don’t sell beds.” | 他说”我们不卖床” |
| [15:54] | I’m like, “It’s Bed, Bath, and Beyond.” | 我就说”这不是床浴及其他用品店吗” |
| [15:55] | He goes, “Yeah, we fucked up, you know,” So… | 他说”没错 我们搞砸了”… |
| [15:59] | I’m like, “Is there even a Beyond?” | 我又问”这里真的有其他用品吗” |
| [16:00] | He goes, “No, but we got a lot of chip clips.” | 他回”没有 不过有许多小夹子” |
| [16:05] | Next up, we have Saoirse Ronan, and later, | 接下来是西尔莎·罗南 |
| [16:07] | making her late-night television debut, comedian Ali Reissen! | 紧接着是喜剧演员爱丽·瑞森的午夜电视首秀 |
| [16:10] | Stick around, everybody. We’ll be right back. | 不要走开 精彩马上回来 |
| [16:18] | Oh my God, it’s Emo Philips. | 天哪 是埃莫·菲利普 |
| [16:21] | Oh my God. | 天啊 |
| [16:22] | – Nice to see you. – Oh, good to see you. | -很高兴见到你 -很高兴见到你 |
| [16:24] | Does he even play here? | 他在这里表演吗 |
| [16:27] | I didn’t even think he lived in New York. | 他好像不住在纽约 |
| [16:28] | He looks like he lives in a tree. Who is that? | 他看起来像是住在树上 他是谁 |
| [16:31] | Oh, he’s the godfather of alt comedy. | 他是另类喜剧教父 |
| [16:34] | – What are you doing in town? – I just saw a Broadway show. | -你怎么来纽约了 -我刚看了一场百老汇 |
| [16:38] | – What’d you see? – Well, they didn’t have a name, | -你看了什么 -没有名字 |
| [16:42] | but I gave them a dollar. | 不过我给了他们一美元 |
| [16:45] | His aura is both childlike and wise at the same time. | 他身上兼具童真与睿智 |
| [16:49] | He looks like he rode here on an umbrella. | 他看起来像御伞而来 |
| [16:51] | Hi, Emo. Oh, my goodness. So nice to see you. | 埃莫 天啊 见到你真好 |
| [16:55] | You look so good. | 你看起来真不错 |
| [16:57] | Oh, right back at ya, hot mama. | 你也是啊 辣妈 |
| [16:59] | Oh, this is… It’s cool that he’s here. It’s cool. | 真是… 他来真是太好了 真好 |
| [17:03] | – Right? Come on. – Oh, no. It’s fine. No, no, no. | -是吗 别这样 -我说真的 没事 |
| [17:06] | Tonight is all about you. This is your night. | 今晚你是主角 这是属于你的夜晚 |
| [17:09] | Thank you. It’s totally fine. | 谢谢 真的没事 |
| [17:10] | Do you think he’s gonna go up? | 你觉得他会上台吗 |
| [17:11] | Fuck, I hope so. He’s one of my favorite comics. | 希望如此 他是我最喜欢的喜剧演员之一 |
| [17:13] | – Really? – Yeah! | -真的吗 -当然 |
| [17:15] | I thought you were more like a Mike Epps guy. | 我以为你喜欢迈克·埃普斯那样的 |
| [17:17] | You know, I can like some real shit, man. | 我也可以喜欢现实的 老兄 |
| [17:19] | – I’m not saying– – What the fuck is wrong with you? | -我并不是说… -你什么毛病 |
| [17:21] | Let’s go see if he’s doing something. | 我们去看看他会不会表演吧 |
| [17:22] | Actually, I would love that. | 好的 正合我意 |
| [17:24] | – Come on, let’s go. – Come on, let’s check it out. | -走吧 -走 去看看 |
| [17:25] | – Oh, hello. – All right. | -你好 -好吧 |
| [17:30] | Do you mind if I just go down and watch for one minute? | 你介意我就过去看一小会吗 |
| [17:32] | Wait. You’re leaving? | 等等 你要离开我吗 |
| [17:33] | Oh, come on. I just wanna watch, like, eight jokes. | 拜托 我只看八个笑话 |
| [17:35] | And I’ll be right back up. Do you mind? | 然后我马上回来 你介意吗 |
| [17:36] | Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go. | 好好好 去吧去吧 |
| [17:38] | – I want you to go. Okay. – I’ll be right back. | -我希望你去 -我马上回来 |
| [17:41] | Actually, everybody who wants to go should just go, um… | 事实上 大家想去的都可以去… |
| [17:44] | Ali, we’re all here for you, this is all about you. | 爱丽 我们都是为你来的 你才是重点 |
| [17:47] | Yeah, we don’t care about Emu Philips. | 是的 我们不在乎什么埃木·菲利普 |
| [17:49] | – Emo, see? – Okay, Emo. | -埃莫 看吧 -好吧 埃莫 |
| [17:50] | – Zero fucks. We don’t care. – I don’t– | -没人在乎 我们不关心 -我不… |
| [17:54] | Okay, well, I’m– I’m just gonna see if he still does the voice bit. | 我就去看下他还模不模仿声音 |
| [17:58] | It’s iconic, so… | 那是他的标志性表演… |
| [18:01] | I’m not here to see Emo Philips. | 我不是来见埃莫·菲利普的 |
| [18:03] | I’m here to turn you into Emo Philips. | 我是来把你变成埃莫·菲利普的 |
| [18:07] | Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that. | 谢谢你 凯文 我很感激 |
| [18:11] | It’s so great to be back in New York City. | 回到纽约真是太棒了 |
| [18:18] | I used to live here. | 我过去住在纽约 |
| [18:19] | Sometimes, I miss it so much | 有时我特别想念纽约 |
| [18:23] | I’ll fill my humidifier with urine. | 就给加湿器加尿 |
| [18:30] | Women like courtesy on a date. | 女人约会喜欢被礼貌对待 |
| [18:32] | That’s so important. | 这点特别重要 |
| [18:33] | I got in trouble once on a date. | 我有次约会惹了大麻烦 |
| [18:36] | I didn’t open the car door for her. | 我没有为她打开车门 |
| [18:42] | Instead, I just swam for the surface. | 而是自己游出了水面 |
| [18:49] | Hey, guys. | 你们好 |
| [18:51] | – Aren’t you about to be on TV? – Eh, I got tired of waiting. | -你不是要上电视了吗 -我等够了 |
| [19:03] | She can’t miss this! | 她不能错过这一刻 |
| [19:06] | I am excited about baseball season. | 我很喜欢棒球赛季 |
| [19:09] | I love baseball. Once, when I was a little boy, | 我超爱棒球 我小时候 |
| [19:12] | I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. | 有次用棒球棒痛揍学校恶霸 |
| [19:17] | Both his arms were completely broken, | 他两条胳膊都断了 |
| [19:21] | which is what gave me the courage. | 所以我才有了勇气 |
| [19:29] | One more time… | 再一次… |
| [19:32] | Emo Philips! | 埃莫·菲利普 |
| [19:33] | That was a great set. | 你的演出真棒 |
| [19:36] | – You’re great. – Oh, thank you. | -你真棒 -谢谢 |
| [19:38] | Yeah, that was amazing. | 真的很出色 |
| [19:40] | I was watching it, being like, | 我一边看着一边就想 |
| [19:42] | “I don’t know if I’ll ever be that good.” | “不知道我能不能像那样出色” |
| [19:44] | – Oh, are you a comedian? Oh! – Yes. Yeah. | -你是喜剧演员吗 -是的 |
| [19:47] | I’m… I’m doing stand-up tonight. | 我今晚会表演单口相声 |
| [19:50] | I’m making my late-night debut on Seth Meyers. | 今天是我在塞斯·梅耶斯节目上的深夜首秀 |
| [19:53] | Oh, my first shot | 我的首秀 |
| [19:55] | was Late Night with David Letterman, back in ’84. | 是在1984年大卫牙擦骚中 |
| [19:58] | Oh, yeah! I’ve seen that set. | 是吗 我看过那场节目 |
| [20:00] | – Oh, thank you. – YouTube, yeah. | -谢谢你 -在油管上 |
| [20:02] | I had a four-and-a-half minute set, and I’m not exaggerating, | 我有四分半的演出时间 我不是夸张 |
| [20:05] | I must have rehearsed it in front of the mirror | 我后来在镜子前彩排过 |
| [20:09] | 200 times afterwards. | 不下两百次 |
| [20:14] | That’s the secret, preparation. | 秘诀就是好好准备 |
| [20:16] | Just remember– Chaplin can be Keaton, | 谨记 卓别林可以成为基顿 |
| [20:21] | but the Marx Brothers cannot be the Stooges. | 但无政府主义四贱客成不了傀儡乐队 |
| [20:26] | Ali, you’re on! | 爱丽 到你了 |
| [20:29] | Okay. Thank you, Emo Philips. Okay. | 谢谢你 埃莫·菲利普 好的 |
| [20:32] | I’m coming! | 我来了 |
| [20:33] | Thank you, Emo Philips! | 谢谢你 埃莫·菲利普 |
| [20:35] | I’m coming! I’m coming! | 我来了 我来了 |
| [20:37] | Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight. | 天哪 我今晚太糟糕了 |
| [20:41] | Tonight’s guest is a very funny comedian | 今晚的嘉宾是一位搞笑喜剧演员 |
| [20:43] | making her late-night debut. | 她的深夜首秀 |
| [20:44] | Please welcome to the show Ali Reissen, everyone! | 请大家欢迎爱丽·瑞森 |
| [20:54] | Hello! It’s so good to be here! | 大家好 很高兴来到这 |
| [20:56] | Thank you for having me! | 多谢邀请 |
| [20:58] | I’ve been eating Paleo. | 我最近都在进行原始人饮食法 |
| [21:00] | Um, if you guys don’t know what that is, | 如果你们不了解的话 |
| [21:02] | that’s where you eat the same thing dinosaurs eat, so… | 其实就是和恐龙吃一模一样的东西 |
| [21:05] | backstage I was snacking on Chris Pratt, and, um… | 刚在后台我正把克里斯·帕拉特当点心吃呢 |
| [21:10] | he’s very high in protein. | 他蛋白质含量太高了 |
| [21:12] | I’ve been eating a lot. I’ve been eating a lot lately. | 我吃太多了 我最近吃太多了 |
| [21:15] | Like, the other day, I ate so much, | 有一天 我吃得太多了 |
| [21:17] | my friend was like, “Ali, you have a food baby.” | 我朋友说”爱丽 你胖得像怀孕了” |
| [21:20] | I was like, “No, Denise. I have a gut, you know?” | 我说”才不是 丹尼斯 我有个肠子罢了” |
| [21:25] | She’s funny. | 她很搞笑 |
| [21:26] | The only time it would be cool to have a food baby | 胖得像怀孕一样只有在 |
| [21:28] | is if you got treated the same way | 人们对待你像 |
| [21:30] | as someone pregnant with a regular baby, right? | 对待孕妇一样时才酷 |
| [21:33] | Like, somebody gives up their seat to you on the subway. | 好比有人在地铁上给你让座位 |
| [21:35] | They’re like, “Oh my God. What are you having?” | 他们问”我的天 男生还是女生呀” |
| [21:37] | You’re like, “Had–carnitas with guac. | 我说”牛油果墨西哥卷饼 |
| [21:39] | Yeah, it’s really emotional.” | 确实挺容易情绪化呢” |
| [21:42] | – I like her dress. – Shh! | -我喜欢她的裙子 -安静点 |
| [21:43] | They’re like, “Oh, you’re glowing!” | 他们说”你容光焕发” |
| [21:45] | Do not fucking shush me. | 别他妈叫我安静 |
| [21:48] | It’s almost over. Let’s talk after. | 就快结束了 晚点再说这事 |
| [21:51] | I was gonna say that I like her dress. | 我就想说我喜欢她的裙子 |
| [21:54] | – Yeah, okay. Just, shh, please. – Jesus fucking Christ, Pete. | -好的 请安静点 -我操 皮特 |
| [21:56] | I’m sorry. Let’s just talk in a minute. | 对不起 过会儿再说这事吧 |
| [22:01] | Things are good. Things are good in my life. | 一帆风顺 我的生活一帆风顺 |
| [22:03] | My boyfriend and I, | 我男朋友和我 |
| [22:04] | we just took our relationship to the next level. | 我们的感情进入了下一个阶段 |
| [22:07] | We broke up, and– | 我们分手了 然后 |
| [22:10] | She’s so full of herself. | 她太自以为是了 |
| [22:12] | – Kitty. – What? | -凯蒂 -什么 |
| [22:13] | – She’s right there. – She can’t hear me. | -她就在这 -她听不见我 |
| [22:15] | But it was still hot. Like, in bed, | 但感情仍然如火如荼 好比在床上 |
| [22:17] | he’d be like, “Who’s your daddy?” | 他问我”谁是你爸爸” |
| [22:18] | And I’d be like, “Where’s your erection?” | 而我问”你硬哪去了” |
| [22:19] | And it was just this total throw down. | 这落差太大了 |
| [22:23] | He was like, “Are you close?” I’m like, “Are you in?” | 他问”你要高潮了吗” 我说”你进来没” |
| [22:28] | Is that joke about you? That’s fucked up. | 这是在开你玩笑吗 这太糟了 |
| [22:33] | No. I don’t think so. | 不 我不这么认为 |
| [22:34] | She’s got other boyfriends, ex-boyfriends. | 她有其他男朋友 前任们 |
| [22:36] | Every time we hooked up, | 每次我们做爱 |
| [22:38] | his penis seemed surprised to be used. | 他的鸡鸡好像特别惊讶能被派上用场 |
| [22:41] | Like, it had a real benchwarmer quality, you know? | 它有种替补的感觉 |
| [22:44] | Like the underdog in every football movie | 就像是每部足球电影里处于劣势的那人 |
| [22:47] | who finally gets called in to play the big game. | 最后关头突然被叫上场 |
| [22:49] | He’s like, “Who me, Coach?” | 他就像”是我吗 教练” |
| [22:52] | He’s like, “Yeah, you. We’re down 40 points. | 教练说”就是你 我们落后四十分了 |
| [22:54] | Now get in here and make me proud!” | 赶快上场给我挣点光” |
| [22:57] | That’s it for me. I’m Ali Reissen. Thank you so much! | 今天就到这 我是爱丽·瑞森 谢谢大家 |
| [23:05] | Ali Reissen, everybody! We’ll be right back! | 爱丽·瑞森 我们稍后再见 |
| [23:07] | Oh my God, it was so good! | 我的天 太棒了 |
| [23:13] | – It was incredible. – Really? | -棒极了 -真的吗 |
| [23:15] | Oh my God, the finale– | 我的天 那个尾声 |
| [23:17] | I mean, the whole sketch was– it killed. | 整个太棒了 |
| [23:22] | Excuse me, Steve Winwood. | 打扰一下 史蒂夫·温伍德 |
| [23:24] | That was amazing! | 太精彩了 |
| [23:25] | – Oh, my God. – So, so funny. So funny. | -我的天 -太有趣了 太有趣 |
| [23:27] | – Really? – So great. Great! | -真的吗 -特别棒 |
| [23:29] | That means so much. Thank you. | 那对我来说意义非凡 谢谢你 |
| [23:30] | – We’re talking– We’re blown away. – We loved it. | -我们正说 我们惊呆了 -我们很喜欢 |
| [23:32] | I would say the same thing, but it’s better coming from him. | 我也会这么说 但从他口中说出更好 |
| [23:34] | He’s a bigger star. It’s better credits. | 他是个大明星 更有价值的称赞 |
| [23:35] | Why does it have to be about that? Just a compliment– | 跟这些有什么关系 不过是个称赞 |
| [23:37] | – Can’t we just compliment her? – I’m done and she liked it. | -就不能纯粹称赞她吗 -她喜欢我的赞美 |
| [23:40] | – Thank you. – Ali… | -谢谢 -爱丽 |
| [23:42] | You! | 你 |
| [23:43] | – It was so good. Yes. – Was it really, though? | -表演很棒 -是真的吗 |
| [23:45] | – Tell me. Don’t– don’t you lie to me. – No, I’m not. | -说实话 不许撒谎 -我没有 |
| [23:47] | – Don’t you lie to my fucking face. – I’m not lying! | -别当我面撒谎 -我没撒谎 |
| [23:48] | I told you I’d tell you. It was incredible. | 我承诺会实话实说的 演出很棒 |
| [23:51] | – Really? – I can’t believe that was your first time. | -真的吗 -我不敢相信这是你的首秀 |
| [23:53] | – You’re a natural. – I believe you. | -你真的得心应手 -我相信你 |
| [24:01] | – You were so great. – Oh, thank you. | -你很棒 -谢谢你 |
| [24:03] | Pete, can I talk to you for a second? | 皮特 能跟你聊一下吗 |
| [24:04] | I have one note. | 我记了一处笔记呢 |
| [24:06] | Thank you… | 谢谢你 |
| [24:07] | I know everything that’s going on. | 我知道发生了什么 |
| [24:11] | What? | 什么 |
| [24:12] | I see everything. | 我都看见了 |
| [24:16] | It was amazing. | 太棒了 |
| [24:16] | Oh my God. I’m so glad it’s over! | 我的天 终于结束了 |
| [24:35] | Was that, um, dick joke about Pete’s dick? | 那个鸡鸡的笑话是说皮特的吗 |
| [24:40] | Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no. | 不 不 不 |
| [24:43] | I’ve actually encountered a lot of soft dicks in my day, so… | 我遇到过很多软鸡鸡 |
| [24:46] | Yeah, ’cause it seemed like it was about Pete’s dick. | 听上去像皮特的鸡鸡 |
| [24:50] | Okay, ’cause with me, | 好吧 因为和我在一起 |
| [24:52] | Pete’s dick is always hard with me. | 皮特的鸡鸡一直是硬的 |
| [24:58] | Congratulations on your achievement. | 恭喜你的精彩表演 |
| [25:09] | – What the fuck? – Oh my God. | -什么鬼 -我的天 |
| [25:11] | I’m like scared for Pete. | 我替皮特感到害怕 |
| [25:13] | I feel physically scared. | 身体在颤抖 |
| [25:15] | She’s going to break his heart. | 她会伤了他的心 |
| [25:17] | – She’s going to annihilate him. – Yeah. | -她会毁了他的 -谁说不是呢 |
| [25:22] | Anyway, it’s kind of fun thinking about | 不管怎么说 想想她要对他下毒手 |
| [25:23] | how she’s going to hurt him, but… | 还是挺好玩的 但是 |
| [25:24] | We should totally hang out with her when they break up. | 等他们分手之后 我们一定要多多和她相处 |
| [25:32] | Kitty, what are you doing? Hold on. | 凯蒂 你要干什么 等等 |
| [25:34] | – Stop it! Stop. – Come on. Stop. | -放开我 放开 -站住 |
| [25:36] | – You’re in the street. – You fucking shushed me, Pete. | -你都走到马路了 -你竟然让我闭嘴 皮特 |
| [25:38] | You fucking shushed me, and I’m your girlfriend. | 你竟然让我闭嘴 我是你的女朋友啊 |
| [25:41] | I’m the one that’s important, not your fucking ex-girlfriend | 我才是你的掌上明珠 电视上的那个 |
| [25:44] | – who’s on fucking TV. – Listen to me, hold on. | -只是你前女友 -听我说 |
| [25:46] | You were talking during a very important stand-up set, okay? | 你刚才打断了一场非常重要的单口相声 |
| [25:49] | Tonight was about Ali, | 今晚是爱丽的大日子 |
| [25:51] | and you were– It’s rude. | 而你却 这太失礼了 |
| [25:53] | – It’s fucking rude. – I was rude? | -太失礼了 -我失礼 |
| [25:54] | – Yes. – You know what’s fucking rude | -是的 -你知道什么才叫失礼吗 |
| [25:55] | is Ali telling a joke about you on national TV, | 爱丽在全国人民面前 在国家电视台上嘲讽你 |
| [25:59] | in front of everyone. | 这才叫失礼 |
| [26:01] | – You should be fucking humiliated. – You don’t know that. | -你应该觉得丢脸 -你又不知道 |
| [26:03] | You don’t know it was about me. How do you know it was about me? | 你又不知道她说的是我 你不可能知道啊 |
| [26:06] | – It was about your dick. – I don’t fucking lose enough erections | -她在嘲讽你的鸡鸡啊 -我都不确定 |
| [26:09] | for that to definitely be about me. You don’t know that. | 她说的是我 你又怎么知道 |
| [26:13] | Comics make jokes about people they care about. | 喜剧演员会拿他们重视的人开玩笑 |
| [26:17] | – That’s what we do. – Oh, she cares about you. | -我们都是这么做的 -所以说她重视你咯 |
| [26:19] | That’s– that makes me feel so much better. | 你这么说 我真是太欣慰了 |
| [26:23] | I’m just gonna let you guys– | 那你们俩就好好 |
| [26:24] | I’ll let you go, go back to her. | 我把你还给她怎么样 |
| [26:26] | – Can I explain something to you right now? – No, bye. | -我能再解释一下吗 -别废话了 再见 |
| [26:28] | You’re my girlfriend, and you’re making a drunken, crazy scene | 你是我的女朋友 你在一个对你无关紧要的夜晚 |
| [26:31] | in front of a club, on a night that has nothing to do with you! | 在一个俱乐部门前耍酒疯 |
| [26:33] | So, if you tell jokes about the people you care about, | 如果你真的会拿你重视的人开玩笑 |
| [26:35] | then what do you… what jokes do you tell about me? | 那你会 你会怎么笑话我呢 |
| [26:38] | I don’t. I don’t do jokes about you. | 我不会的 我不会笑话你 |
| [26:41] | Is that what you want? I don’t do any jokes– | 你是想听这句话吗 我不会拿你开玩笑 |
| [26:43] | – You’re a fucking liar. – I don’t do any jokes– | -你是个大骗子 -我不会拿你开玩笑 |
| [26:44] | – Tell me what jokes you tell. – Jesus. | -告诉我 你会怎么说 -天哪 |
| [26:46] | – Tell me what jokes you say about me. – No! | -你会怎么笑话我 -不 |
| [26:47] | I’m not doing my act for you in the road, | 我不可能在大马路上跟你说相声 |
| [26:49] | Oh, you’re not gonna do your shitty little act? | 你不愿意说相声吗 |
| [26:50] | while you’re making a scene. | 你还在这里丢人现眼 |
| [26:52] | Do it. You can’t get into The Cellar. | 来吧 既然你进不了酒窖 |
| [26:53] | Tell me a fucking joke outside of The Cellar, Pete. | 那就在酒窖外面说相声啊 皮特 |
| [27:01] | My girlfriend loves dildos. | 我女朋友喜欢假鸡鸡 |
| [27:05] | Sometimes she says she’s not in the mood, | 有时候她跟我说她没心情做爱 |
| [27:06] | and then I hear her sneak off into the bathroom | 但是我能听到她偷偷跑到卫生间 |
| [27:08] | and it sounds like a helicopter leaving Saigon. | 然后里面就传来了直升机起飞的声音 |
| [27:13] | Did you tell that joke while you were fucking her in New Jersey? | 你跟她在新泽西上床的时候也是这么说的吗 |
| [27:17] | I didn’t… I didn’t cheat on you. | 我没有 我没有背叛你 |
| [27:19] | I’ve never– I’ve never even thought about cheating. | 我根本没有想过要背叛你 |
| [27:21] | I have eyeballs and I can see everything that’s going on! | 我不瞎 我有眼睛 我自己会看 |
| [27:28] | I see everything! | 我都看见了 |
| [27:34] | – I know what’s up, Pete. – What’s up? | -我知道发生了什么 皮特 -什么啊 |
| [27:38] | What’s up? What’s up? | 你说啊 你知道了什么 |
| [27:39] | – What’s up? – What’s going on? | -知道了什么 -发生了什么 |
| [27:40] | What’s up? Do you understand the words I’m saying right now? | 发生了什么 你知道我在说什么吗 |
| [27:45] | Jesus. | 天哪 |
| [27:47] | What the fuck are you doing? | 你他妈在做什么 |
| [27:48] | What do you mean what the fuck am I doing? | 你这话什么意思 |
| [27:50] | You can’t do deaf– What are you– | 你不能学聋 你在干什么 |
| [27:51] | Why can’t I do it, comedy police? | 为什么 喜剧警察 |
| [27:53] | Why can’t I do fucking deaf voice? | 我为什么不能聋哑人说话 |
| [27:55] | You sound like a bully in an ’80s movie. | 你就像是八十年代电影里的恶霸 |
| [27:57] | Well, you’re… You suck! | 你真是太差劲了 |
| [28:00] | You’re a shitty boyfriend. | 你这个男朋友真是糟透了 |
| [28:04] | And you’re an even shittier comic. | 当喜剧演员更糟 |
| [28:07] | Okay, can you get out of the street? | 你能别站在马路上了吗 |
| [28:09] | – You’re a shitty joke. – Can you get out of the street, please? | -你就是个大笑话 -别站在马路上了好吗 |
| [28:11] | You get out of the street! | 你滚开 |
| [28:14] | – Get on the fucking sidewalk. – I’ll do what I want! | -走人行道 -老娘想走哪走哪 |
| [28:22] | Yo, Pete, man. You gotta get out of the street, dude. | 皮特 别站在马路上了 |
| [28:24] | – Yeah. – I saw a guy got hit out here like two days ago. | -好的 -两天前我看到有人被撞飞了 |
| [28:28] | He’s fucking dead. | 他挂掉了 |
| [28:30] | Yeah. | 是的 |
| [28:32] | – Sorry. – Come on. | -抱歉 -来吧 |
| [28:35] | Babe, you were so good tonight. | 宝贝 你今晚太棒了 |
| [28:38] | Did you have fun, my pretty, pretty princess? | 玩得开心吗 我的宝贝小公主 |
| [28:40] | – I did. – Good. | -很开心 -那就好 |
| [28:42] | Now, if I can just find the pin drop of where my car is. | 我看看把车停哪了 |
| [28:46] | – Where’d you park? – Like five blocks. | -你停哪了 -五个街区外吧 |
| [28:48] | I’m going to walk her to her Fiat. | 我陪她上车 |
| [28:49] | – No. – I am. | -不用了 -我要去 |
| [28:53] | – All right. – Be right back. | -好吧 -马上回来 |
| [28:54] | He really is the best. Come on. | 他真是太棒了 来吧 |
| [28:56] | I don’t deserve him. | 我真是高攀了 |
| [29:03] | – Great set. – Thank you. | -表演很棒 -谢谢 |
| [29:05] | Everything you wanted it to be. | 你美梦成真了 |
| [29:06] | Yeah, it was good. | 确实啊 |
| [29:08] | Hey, congrats. I’m gonna go get started on that action plan. | 恭喜了 我该去规划了 |
| [29:11] | Okay, yeah. I didn’t ask you to do that. | 好吧 不做也没事 |
| [29:17] | Where’s Kat? | 凯特呢 |
| [29:19] | Kat and I just had a really big fight, | 凯特和我刚才在马路上 |
| [29:21] | in the middle of the street. | 大吵了一架 |
| [29:23] | Oh, shit. | 天哪 |
| [29:24] | And it ended with her screaming about your penis joke. | 她对于你说我鸡鸡的笑话非常不满 |
| [29:30] | Yeah, I know. | 我知道 |
| [29:33] | She kind of cornered me in the bathroom. | 她在洗手间还说我来着 |
| [29:36] | She confronted me after my set about the joke. | 节目结束后她来问我了 |
| [29:40] | For fuck’s sake, really? | 不是吧 真的吗 |
| [29:41] | I don’t think she liked it. | 我觉得她可能不喜欢 |
| [29:43] | I was made aware of that. | 我也发现了 |
| [29:44] | She’s scary. I didn’t know! | 她太可怕了 我都不知道 |
| [29:46] | – Maybe she was just upset. – She did deaf voice to me. | -可能她只是不开心 -她刚才学聋哑人说话 |
| [29:50] | – Just now. – What? | -就刚才 -什么 |
| [29:51] | In front of– people were watching and she did– | 这么多人看着 她 |
| [29:53] | What does that mean? | 这是什么意思 |
| [29:54] | – Do you– – No! Stop. I get it, I get it. | -你想 -停停停 我知道了 |
| [29:56] | It was horrifying. | 太可怕了 |
| [29:59] | People say dumb shit when they’re fighting. | 人们吵架的时候爱说胡话 |
| [30:01] | Not in deaf voice, they don’t. | 那也没学聋哑人啊 |
| [30:03] | Yeah. | 也是 |
| [30:06] | I think I’m in over my head. | 我觉得我有点上头了 |
| [30:09] | I’m sorry. | 抱歉 |
| [30:11] | Okay. | 没事 |
| [30:13] | Well, I’m gonna… I’m gonna go. | 我还是 我还是走吧 |
| [30:17] | – Okay. – I gotta go find Ted. | -好的 -我该去找泰德了 |
| [30:21] | I really am sorry. | 真的很抱歉 |
| [30:26] | Okay. All right. | 好了 |
| [31:40] | Are you okay? | 你没事吧 |
| [31:43] | I’m funnier than that whore. | 我比那个贱人有趣多了 |
| [31:51] | Go to sleep. | 睡吧 |
| [32:04] | 爱丽 在想你 你… |