| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:01] | Here’s to having nothing to celebrate. | 敬这屁事也没得庆祝的一天 |
| [00:03] | Actually, today’s my birthday. | 其实今天是我生日呢 |
| [00:05] | Like I said, nothing to celebrate! | 我就说吧 屁事也没得庆祝 |
| [00:07] | Hey, where’s Malloy? | 嘿 怎么不见Malloy? |
| [00:08] | Eh, he couldn’t be here. He got tied up. | 他不能进来 我把他拴外边了 |
| [00:11] | I’m going to get Woody for this. | Woody会有好果子吃的 |
| [00:13] | Oh, god! | 天了噜 |
| [00:14] | Why are you looking at me like that? | 你干嘛那个样子盯着人家? |
| [00:18] | That is an odd place to keep your lipstick. | 你放口红的地方还真是奇特 |
| [00:21] | What’s the matter, buddy? | 怎么了 伙计? |
| [00:22] | Are you still bummed about your episode of intervention? | 是不是自嗨还没缓过劲儿来呢? |
| [00:25] | Steve, we’re here because we all love you, | Steve 我们在这里是因为我们爱你 |
| [00:28] | But you’ve got to stop jizzing inside us. | 但拜托不要再戴着我们打飞机了 |
| [00:30] | I’m sorry. It just feels so good. | 抱歉 可感觉真的爽死了 |
| [00:33] | Feels good? | 爽死了? |
| [00:34] | I’m stiff as a board, you freaky bastard! | 老子都硬成石头了 你个死变态 |
| [00:37] | Nah, it’s Ethel. | 不啊 是因为Ethel |
| [00:39] | You know how much I like her, but she won’t give me the time of day. | 你也知道我多喜欢她 可她一直都当我是空气 |
| [00:42] | Now she’s dating the CEO of Skymall. | 现在又和天拉维总裁拍拖上了 |
| [00:44] | – What does he have that I don’t? – Telephone shoes? | – 他到底有啥我没有的? – 能打电话的鞋? |
| [00:48] | You’re right. I don’t stand a chance. | 你说得对 我根本没机会 |
| [00:50] | Steve, you got to get women when they’re down. | Steve 你必须在女人倒下时候趁虚而入 |
| [00:53] | That’s what I do, literally. | 我就那么做的 字面意思上 |
| [00:54] | I get life alert calls forwarded to my phone. | 老太婆求救电话都会呼叫转移到我这儿 |
| [00:57] | I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up! | 我摔倒了 站起不来了 |
| [01:00] | See if you can slip your panties off. I’ll be there in a minute. | 试试看能不能把内裤脱掉 我马上就到 |
| [01:03] | It may look like an ordinary fan-cooled solar safari hat, | 看起来是个再普通不过的太阳能风扇遮阳帽 |
| [01:06] | But it’s also a litter box. | 但同时也是垃圾桶 |
| [01:08] | Skymall! | 天拉维 |
| [01:09] | That’s amazing. | 真是太叼了 |
| [01:11] | I was just telling a friend that I wish I had a hat that a cat could shit in. | 我前两天还和朋友说想要一顶能让喵星人拉屎的帽子呢 |
| [01:15] | Skymall! | 天拉维 |
| [01:16] | Listen, I know we’ve only been on a couple of dates, but… | 听我说 虽然我们只约会了几次 但… |
| [01:19] | I see a real future for us. | 我真能看到我们的未来 |
| [01:22] | I thought you might say that. That’s why I got you this. | 早想到你会这么说 所以我带了这个 |
| [01:26] | Oh, my god! The answer is ye– | 天啊 我的回答是 我愿… |
| [01:28] | It’s the world’s smallest white noise machine. | 这是全世界最迷你的白噪音生成器 |
| [01:31] | What? But what about us? | 什么? 那我们的未来呢? |
| [01:33] | We’re done. I’m not ready to settle down. | 玩完了 哥还不急着吊死在哪棵树上 |
| [01:35] | But you can set this to heavy rain to mask the sound of your tears. | 不过你可以用这玩意儿生成暴雨的声音 好盖过你的哭声 |
| [01:39] | You’re breaking up with me? | 你要和我分手? |
| [01:43] | Skymall! | 天拉维 |
| [01:46] | Give me that. | 给我拿来 |
| [01:47] | Steve, now’s your chance. | Steve 你机会来了 |
| [01:48] | Ethel’s lower than Abe Vigoda’s left nut. | Ethel情绪比阿贝·维高达左边的蛋耷拉得还厉害 |
| [01:50] | Her next bottle’s on me. | 她下瓶酒记我账上 |
| [01:52] | No, I’ll call you, I promise. | 不不 会再联系你的 我保证 |
| [01:55] | We just [bleep] in the bathroom. I’m out! | 我们刚在厕所来了一发 哥闪人了 |
| [01:58] | Are you sure you’re okay to drive? | 你确定你这样子能开车吗? |
| [02:00] | Are you sure you’re okay to mind your own goddamn business? | 你确定你能只管好自己的破事嘛草泥马?! |
| [02:03] | I’m fine. | 我没事 |
| [02:06] | You’re doing good, Johnson. Just keep it between the lines. | 开得很好 Johnson 不要超出两边的线就好 |
| [02:12] | Oh, crap. Malloy, quick! Get behind the wheel! | 诶 操蛋 Malloy 快过来开车 |
| [02:15] | Malloy Malloy! | |
| [02:17] | I thought red meant stop! | 红色不是代表”停”嘛 |
| [02:32] | What did I do last night? | 我昨晚都干了什么? |
| [02:35] | I was inside of you. | 我进过你身子了 |
| [02:39] | Oh, god! | 上帝啊 |
| [02:40] | Okay, Ethel, don’t panic. | 没事 Ethel 不要慌张 |
| [02:43] | You know what to do. | 你知道该怎么做 |
| [02:47] | Listen, Steve, you can’t tell anyone about this. | 听着 Steve 这事儿绝逼谁都不准告诉 |
| [02:50] | Why not? It was the best night of our lives. | 为啥? 昨晚是我们生命中最赞的一夜 |
| [02:52] | No, it was not. | 不 绝对不是 |
| [02:54] | I had too much to drink, and I made a mistake. | 昨晚只是我”喝多酒犯了大错”的一夜 |
| [02:56] | So keep your mouth shut. | 给我老实闭紧你的嘴 |
| [02:58] | What kind of guy do you think I am? | 瞧瞧你把我当什么人了 |
| [03:01] | ♪ I [bleep] Ethel I [bleep] Ethel ♪ | ♪ 我上了Ethel 我上了Ethel ♪ |
| [03:04] | ♪ I [bleep] Ethel, yeah! ♪ | ♪ 我是上过Ethel的人啦 ♪ |
| [03:08] | Why did I pay to see this? | 我干嘛花钱看这种东西? |
| [03:13] | I don’t subscribe to Psoriasis Weekly. | 我没订过《牛皮癣周刊》啊 |
| [03:16] | Hey, love bagel. | 嗨 小甜心 |
| [03:18] | Where should I put my Viggo Mortensen up-skirt-shot coffee-table book? | 我这本维戈·莫特森的底裤写真咖啡伴侣读物应该放哪儿? |
| [03:22] | Steve, are you trying to move in? | Steve 你要搬来和我同居吗? |
| [03:24] | We had sex, didn’t we? | 我们做过爱 不是嘛? |
| [03:25] | It’s only a matter of time before we have our marvel heroes wedding. | 举行漫威英雄主题婚礼前 住在一起还不是早晚的事么 |
| [03:28] | Steve, wake up! | Steve 醒醒吧 |
| [03:29] | Just because we had drunken mistake sex doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship. | 一场酒后乱性不代表我们就是情侣了 |
| [03:33] | Really? Then why did I buy us those his-and-her tombstones? | 是这样嘛? 那为什么我还买了情侣墓碑? |
| [03:38] | We die by murder-suicide in 2016. | 2016年我们死于自杀式谋杀 |
| [03:40] | I’m so excited! | 想想就兴奋 |
| [03:43] | I can’t believe that DUI judge gave me community service. | 真不敢相信那个酒驾审理官竟判我做社区服务 |
| [03:47] | You drove to court drunk. | 你醉醺醺开进了法院 |
| [03:49] | I drink when I’m nervous | 我喝酒是因为我紧张 |
| [03:51] | And sad | 以及悲伤 |
| [03:52] | and mad | 以及抓狂 |
| [03:53] | and happy. | 以及高兴 |
| [03:54] | ♪ I’m an alcoholic, da-da-da-da-da-doo ♪ | ♪ 我是酒鬼妥妥滴 哒哒哒哒哒嘟 ♪ |
| [03:57] | No, really, I have a problem. | 不 其实我有毛病 |
| [03:59] | Yeah. You left me tied to a post all night. | 没错 整整一晚把我拴在门柱上 |
| [04:01] | Now this rottweiler won’t stop leaving me creepy voice mails. | 那条罗威纳狗现在一个劲儿给我发诡异语音 |
| [04:06] | Let me suck it. | 让我跪舔吧 |
| [04:07] | I don’t get it, Denzel. | 我搞不懂 Denzel |
| [04:08] | I thought once Ethel had some Steve in the beav, she’d never leave. | 还以为只要在Ethel身体里播种 她就会甘心成为我的人呢 |
| [04:11] | Hey, at least you got some. | 至少你上过她了 |
| [04:12] | Think about how Connie feels. | 想想Connie多难受吧 |
| [04:14] | She’s been in love with Ethel for years. | 她也爱Ethel很多年了 |
| [04:15] | Oh, I’m totally over it. | 我早就看淡了 |
| [04:17] | Off topic, if you guys had to get murdered in the workplace, | 插个题外话 如果一定会在工作场所被谋杀 |
| [04:21] | Would you prefer an AR-15 or being hacked up with a machete? | 你们喜欢被自动步枪扫射 还是喜欢被大砍刀斩首? |
| [04:26] | I think they want both. | 我猜他们两样都喜欢 |
| [04:32] | I’m still inside you. | 我还在你身子里呢 |
| [04:36] | Don’t go in there. | 都别进去 |
| [04:37] | I, uh… Made a fat, smelly shit. | 我… 拉了一大坨恶臭至极的便便 |
| [04:40] | So embarrassing. | 真是太尴尬了 |
| [04:41] | Not as embarrassing as the fact that you made love to a fat, smelly shit. | 远不及你曾和堪比一大坨恶臭便便的人打炮尴尬 |
| [04:45] | Mmm, this Fun Dip tastes like piss. | 这蘸糖棒尝起来一股尿臊味 |
| [04:48] | That’s a pregnancy test, you dumb son of a bitch. | 那是验孕棒 你个脑残挫逼 |
| [04:51] | Oh, my god! Ethel’s gonna have my baby! | 我的天啊 Ethel怀上我的孩子了 |
| [04:54] | Congrats, buddy! Way to trap that bitch! | 恭喜了 伙计 这下那婊子逃不掉了 |
| [04:56] | Yeah, I’m really happy for you. | 没错 我真替你们感到高兴 |
| [04:59] | Actually, Steve, I thought a lot about this | 实话说 Steve 这事儿我想了很多 |
| [05:01] | In the last 30 seconds, | 就在过去的30秒里 |
| [05:02] | And I don’t think I’m ready to have a kid. | 我觉得我还没准备好要个小孩 |
| [05:05] | But don’t I get a say? | 但能容我说句话吗? |
| [05:06] | I’d never abort a baby, especially ours. | 我从没堕过胎 咱俩的就更不会了 |
| [05:09] | Sorry, Steve. It’s just not your decision. | 抱歉 Steve 这事不由你说得算 |
| [05:11] | Why not? I’m the father. | 凭什么? 我是孩子父亲 |
| [05:13] | That doesn’t matter. My body, my choice. | 有什么关系嘛? 我的身子 我做主 |
| [05:16] | But, Ethel, if there’s no baby, there’s no us. | 但Ethel 没了孩子 也就没有咱们俩了 |
| [05:19] | Exactly-I’ve already made an appointment at the best clinic in town. | 一点不错 我已经和镇上最好的诊所约诊了 |
| [05:28] | An abortionmobile/taco truck is the best clinic in town? | 堕胎/玉米卷一体车 就是镇子上最好的诊所? |
| [05:31] | Yes. This town sucks. | 是 这镇子操蛋透了 |
| [05:34] | Abortion is a sin against god! | 堕胎是渎神之罪 |
| [05:37] | No! It’s a civil right! | 不 堕胎是民权 |
| [05:39] | I’m just here for the chimichangas. | 俺只是路过来买玉米卷的 |
| [05:41] | This is murder! | 你这是谋杀 |
| [05:44] | I’ll tell you what’s murder. | 俺来告诉你啥叫谋杀 |
| [05:45] | The price they charge for a side of chipot-le. | 这店子对调味干红辣椒漫天要价 |
| [05:52] | Ah, Ethel, welcome to my abortionmobile/taqueria. | Ethel 欢迎来到我的堕胎/玉米卷一体车 |
| [05:55] | Or as the local yokels call it, the die-eria. | 或是按当地乡巴佬的说法 堕卷车 |
| [06:00] | Uh, this is safe, right? | 这里做安全的 对吧? |
| [06:03] | Perfectly safe… For the woman, not the baby. | 完全安全… 仅对女人 不对孩子 |
| [06:06] | Wait. You’re not going to use dirty cooking utensils? | 等等 你不会就拿这脏不拉叽的厨具做吧? |
| [06:09] | No, of course not, Ethel. I’m going to sanitize them first. | 当然不会 Ethel 我会先给它们灭灭菌的 |
| [06:13] | Okay, ready to go. | 好了 准备就绪 |
| [06:15] | Before you go through with this, I must ask, | 在一切开始之前 我必须问你 |
| [06:18] | are you sure about this decision? | 你真的决意已定了嘛? |
| [06:20] | This is the hardest choice a woman can make, but– | 这是一个女人最难做的决定 但… |
| [06:22] | Sorry. I was talking to a customer. | 抱歉 我在和客人说话呢 |
| [06:23] | Okay, carne asada it is. | 好吧 就上牛肉卷吧 |
| [06:25] | But fair warning, the picante sauce is muy caliente. | 但得提醒下你 玉米卷用的沙司很热哦 |
| [06:28] | That’s okay, as long as it ain’t hot. | 没事 只要不热就成 |
| [06:31] | You don’t know. | 你不知道 |
| [06:32] | You don’t know. You don’t know. | 你不知道 你不知道 |
| [06:34] | Rackin’ frackin’ community service. | 这天杀地灭的社区服务 |
| [06:37] | Working around a bunch of goddamn nut jobs | 我才不想给一群脑子里养金鱼… |
| [06:39] | Who sit around and mumble to themselves. | 成天坐那儿自言自语的疯子做事呢 |
| [06:42] | Is everything all right, sir? | 你还好吧 先生? |
| [06:44] | Oh, never better! I love these wacky bastards. | 好得不得了呢 我爱死这些疯颠狂了 |
| [06:47] | Oh, you’re a dad, huh? | 你是当爹的 是吧? |
| [06:49] | Yeah, my son yelled at me ’cause I tied him up outside of a bar. | 不容易 我儿子就因为我把他栓酒吧外边 对我大吼大叫 |
| [06:52] | You did what? | 你把他怎么了? |
| [06:53] | Oh, don’t worry. My son’s a talking bear. | 别担心 我儿子是头会说话的熊 |
| [06:56] | Why don’t you have a seat? | 不如我们坐下来说吧? |
| [06:59] | This talking bear– | 这头会说话的熊… |
| [07:00] | does he ever tell you to do things that would hurt yourself or others? | 有没有唆使你去做伤害自己或者伤害别人的事? |
| [07:04] | Are you shitting me? That’s all he does! | 你没开玩笑吧? 他成天就干这个 |
| [07:05] | One time he turned me into a fish! | 有一次他把我整成了一条鱼 |
| [07:07] | I see. | 了解 |
| [07:09] | Yeah, he can be a sarcastic little asshole, | 有时候他嘴巴贱到让我想剁了他 |
| [07:11] | But I know he loves me, | 但我知道他是爱我的 |
| [07:12] | ’cause one time I was gonna get on a spaceship with my girlfriend, | 因为有一次我要和女朋友乘太空飞船离开地球 |
| [07:15] | And he saved me with a jet pack. | 是他背着火箭背包把我救了回来 |
| [07:17] | We got a nut job. | 这里有个疯子 |
| [07:18] | Let me tell you about the time he directed my porno. | 和你讲讲他给我当三级片导演那事吧 |
| [07:21] | Aah! Are you [bleep] crazy? | 你特么地疯了吧? |
| [07:22] | I’m not crazy! You’re crazy! | 我可没疯 是你疯了 |
| [07:25] | And punchito! Congratulations, Ethel. | 搞定 祝贺你 Ethel |
| [07:28] | 15 abortions gets you a free chalupa. | 凑齐15次人流 送你免费鸡肉卷 |
| [07:30] | Thanks, but I’ll never get over how traumatic that experience was. | 谢了 但我永远不会忘记这段经历是多么痛苦 |
| [07:34] | Would you like to start a new card? | 再给你一张新的积分卡吧? |
| [07:35] | Yeah, might as well. | 好吧 拿上也无妨 |
| [07:37] | Steve, what are you doing here? | Steve 你在这儿做什么? |
| [07:38] | Just sealing the deal I made with the Doc. | 给我和医生的交易收尾咯 |
| [07:41] | Uh, what kind of a deal? | 呃 什么交易? |
| [07:43] | It’s not exactly ethical, but he paid cash, and, well, I’m a whore. | 这事不太伦理啦 但他愿意给钱 而我… 见钱眼开 |
| [07:47] | See, after Dr. Kuzniak sucked the embryo out of your body, | Kuzniak医生把胎儿从你身体里抽出来后 |
| [07:50] | He put it in mine. | 转到我体内了 |
| [07:51] | – I’m pregnant! – What? | – 我怀孕了 – 什么? |
| [07:53] | Now you’re inside me! | 现在你进我身子了 |
| [07:56] | Nobody eat the salsa. There’s been a terrible mix-up. | 都别吃辣酱 我刚把恶心玩意给混进去了 |
| [08:03] | Baby Sean Johns? Thank you, Denzel. | 肖恩·约翰牌童鞋? 谢啦 Denzel |
| [08:07] | And thank you, Connie, for the baby massager. | 也谢谢Connie 送我贴心的婴儿按摩棒 |
| [08:10] | Hey, look at that. Connie rubbed all the veins off for you. | 嘿 快看 Connie把那玩意上的静脉都给你擦掉了 |
| [08:13] | Open mine! | 快看我的 |
| [08:14] | I have a feeling it’s going to be a girl! | 我预感你们的孩子会是个妞哦 |
| [08:18] | Free pole dancing classes? | 钢管舞免费课程? |
| [08:20] | If she’s got a hole, she belongs on a pole. | 生孩子不带把儿 学钢管儿妥妥哒 |
| [08:23] | What a wonderful baby shower. | 这宝宝派对实在太棒了 |
| [08:24] | Damn, Steve. It’s only been two days, and you’re already showing. | 我靠 Steve 这才过两天 你肚子就这么大了 |
| [08:28] | Dr. Kuzniak said the testosterone in my body will speed up the pregnancy. | Kuzniak医生说我体内的睾丸酮会加速妊娠期 |
| [08:31] | Steve, you’re a [bleep] asshole! | Steve 你真特么混账 |
| [08:34] | That’s why I bought this Onesie. | 所以我买了这件婴儿服 |
| [08:36] | I made a choice to end this pregnancy, and you took that choice away from me. | 我选择结束这段妊娠 你却夺走了我的选择权 |
| [08:39] | I don’t understand why you’re so upset. | 我不明白你干嘛这么不爽 |
| [08:41] | Now that our baby’s in my body, I’ll do the work for you. | 现在孩子都在我肚里了 生产什么的我全权负责 |
| [08:44] | That’s why you wanted to get an abortion, right? | 你想堕胎不就是嫌这个太麻烦嘛 对吧? |
| [08:46] | No, Steve, it’s a woman’s decision. | 不 Steve 这是女人的决定 |
| [08:49] | But it’s in my body. | 但孩子在我肚里了 |
| [08:51] | Like you said, my body, my choice. | 你说过的 我的身子 我做主 |
| [08:55] | That’s not–no. You guys, back me up here. | 那不是… 不 你们几个 帮我主持公道 |
| [08:57] | It’s in his body, Ethel. | 孩子在他肚里 Ethel |
| [08:59] | You said that’s all that matters. | 你也说过在谁肚里谁做主 |
| [09:00] | Here, Ethel. This should cheer you up. | 给你 Ethel 这应该能让你高兴点 |
| [09:02] | I put your picture and Steve’s picture into a computer program. | 我把你和Steve的照片用软件整合了下 |
| [09:05] | This is what your baby will look like. | 你们的孩子以后会是这模样 |
| [09:08] | Oh, my god! | 噢 天呐 |
| [09:10] | No! | 不要 |
| [09:14] | Listen, you sick puppy, I told you to stop calling me. | 听好 你个变态狗 都说了别再给我打电话了 |
| [09:19] | Leave me alone, you piece of shit! | 给我滚远点 你个狗屎垃圾 |
| [09:21] | – No, it’s me, Woody. – Yeah, I know. | – 不 是我 Woody – 知道是你 |
| [09:24] | Look, these assholes committed me. | 听着 那些王八蛋把我当神经病了 |
| [09:26] | Get down here, and prove you can talk. | 快来这里 告诉他们你会说话 |
| [09:28] | I’ve gotta get out of here. | 我得离开这鬼地方 |
| [09:29] | I’m roommates with a guy who thinks he’s Nicolas Cage. | 我室友觉得他是尼古拉斯·凯奇 |
| [09:32] | Okay, let’s ride! | 好了 出动吧 |
| [09:33] | Or maybe that is Nicolas Cage. I don’t know. | 没准他就是尼古拉斯·凯奇 我吃不准 |
| [09:36] | Either way, he’s [bleep] nuts. | 反正他疯到骨子里去了 |
| [09:37] | Have you ever been dragged onto the sidewalk | 你有没有被人拉到人行道上过… |
| [09:40] | And beat until you pissed blood? | 还被暴打到直接尿血? |
| [09:44] | Okay, Malloy, start talking. | 好了 Malloy 说话吧 |
| [09:49] | I swear he can. | 我保证他会说 |
| [09:51] | Usually, he’s a real chatterbox, | 放在平时 他可是话匣子 |
| [09:53] | When he’s not being a spiteful dick! | 前提是他不是个记仇的贱人 |
| [09:55] | Please, Malloy, talk! | 拜托 Malloy 说话 |
| [09:57] | – Growl. – Malloy, you son of a bitch! | – 吼 – Malloy 你个王八犊子 |
| [09:59] | Prove daddy’s not crazy, or I’ll rip your [bleep] head off! | 快证明老爹没疯 要不老子特么地拧掉你脑袋 |
| [10:04] | Textbook psycho. | 简直是疯子里的标杆 |
| [10:06] | No, I’m not crazy, doc! | 不对 我没疯 医生 |
| [10:08] | I’m telling you, I have a talking bear! | 我说真的 我养了只会说话的熊 |
| [10:10] | And I have a singing beaver! | 我还有个会唱歌的小妹呢 |
| [10:13] | ♪ Hello, my baby, hello, my honey ♪ | ♪ 你好宝贝 你好心肝 ♪ |
| [10:15] | ♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪ | ♪ 你好 我那唱爵士乐的姑娘 ♪ |
| [10:19] | Wake up, Steve! | 快醒醒 Steve |
| [10:21] | Ethel, it’s 4:00 A.M. | Ethel 才凌晨4点 |
| [10:23] | That’s right. There’s no sleeping when you have a baby. | 这就对啦 有了娃儿是睡不成懒觉的 |
| [10:27] | I’m baby firecracker Jim, god damn it! | 我是爱放焰火的Jim小宝贝 你大爷的 |
| [10:30] | After tonight we’ll see who wants to keep this baby. | 过了今晚再看你还想不想生孩子 |
| [10:32] | Welcome to fatherhood. | 欢迎你体验当爹的感觉 |
| [10:34] | Change me, daddy! I done shit up my back! | 帮我换尿布 爹地 便便都喷到背上了 |
| [10:37] | It’s okay. We’ll get baby nice and clean. | 没事啦 咱的小宝宝马上就会变得干净清爽的 |
| [10:41] | You ever seen a baby with pubes? | “婴”毛见过吗? |
| [10:44] | I’m pissing ’cause I’m angry, and I can’t express it in words! | 我一发怒就飙尿 因为我还不会用语言表达 |
| [10:49] | So you’re telling me all of Woody’s stories are true? | 你们说Woody讲的故事全都是真的? |
| [10:52] | Yeah, Woody was a fish just before I gave birth to the antichrist. | 对 Woody的确变过鱼 就在我生恶魔之子以前 |
| [10:57] | You gave birth to the antichrist? | 你生过恶魔之子? |
| [10:59] | of course she did. | 当然生过 |
| [11:01] | Yeah, that hand’s right. | 对 小手手说得没错 |
| [11:02] | It was right after I banged that thawed-out cavewoman. | 事情就发生在我搞那个解冻的女野人之后 |
| [11:04] | Now can we go? | 我们可以走了吧? |
| [11:05] | I gotta buy a breast pump for my friend Steve. | 我还要帮我朋友Steve去买吸奶器呢 |
| [11:07] | – He pregnant. – A man is pregnant? | – 他怀孕了 – 男人怀孕? |
| [11:10] | Oh, that’s nothing. All kinds of stuff happens to Steve. | 没啥大不了的啦 Steve身上怪事多了去了 |
| [11:13] | He was a black guy, a gay man, a gay woman, | 他当过黑人 男同 还有女同 |
| [11:16] | And a quadriplegic that ate his own shit. | 还当过吃自己大便的瘫痪人 |
| [11:18] | See? | 咱没病吧? |
| [11:19] | What is so crazy about these goddamn stories? | 这些故事哪儿特么不正常了? |
| [11:24] | What do you mean you don’t want the money? | 你不收钱是几个意思? |
| [11:26] | I tried to be difficult, | 我试过刁难他 |
| [11:28] | But that Steve feller took good care of me! | 但Steve这家伙把我照顾妥妥的 |
| [11:30] | He’s gon’ be a real good daddy. | 他肯定会是个好父亲的 |
| [11:33] | Guess I’ll have to take matters into my own hands. | 看来老娘只有亲自下手了 |
| [11:36] | Steve, we need to talk. | Steve 咱俩谈谈 |
| [11:39] | Oh, yeah. That’s hot. | 就这样 好惹火啊 |
| [11:42] | This for a magazine or something? | 这是要上杂志封面啊? |
| [11:44] | No, no, just for me. | 不 我用来自爽的 |
| [11:45] | Now, bend over and show me your pooterus. | 现在弯下腰去 把小菊花露出来 |
| [11:49] | Steve, I owe you an apology. | Steve 我应该向你道歉 |
| [11:51] | I’ve been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this… | 最近我对你实在不好 但看着你这个样子 |
| [11:54] | Oh, and like that… | 或者又是这个样子 |
| [11:56] | And not so much that one. | 这个倒真不怎么样 |
| [11:58] | But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you. | 让我意识到 我的确想陪着你把孩子生下来 |
| [12:02] | That’s great, Ethel. | 太棒了 Ethel |
| [12:03] | So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities? | 那咱俩去参加一些绝对安全的家庭娱乐活动 你觉得怎么样? |
| [12:25] | You don’t know. You don’t know. | 你不知道 你不知道 |
| [12:28] | You don’t know. You don’t know. | 你不知道 你不知道 |
| [12:30] | Of course I don’t know. | 老子当然不知道 |
| [12:32] | It’s called “guess who,” mother[bleep]. | 这个游戏就叫”猜猜看”啊 混蛋 |
| [12:33] | Where’s Connie? We need to talk. | Connie在哪? 我们得谈谈 |
| [12:35] | I think she made a new friend. | 我看她刚交了个新朋友 |
| [12:37] | Whee! We’re going to India! | 好哎 咱们要去印度啦 |
| [12:39] | – Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! – All right, you cuckoos. | – 好哎好哎好哎 – 够了 别再疯了 |
| [12:41] | It’s time to bust out of this nest. | 咱们该从这鬼地方逃出去了 |
| [12:43] | – Why? – So let’s– | – 为毛啊? – 咱们先… |
| [12:44] | What do you mean why? We’re in a goddamn mental institution. | 居然还问我为毛? 咱都特么进了精神病院了 |
| [12:48] | – Aw, I like it here. – Yeah, I like it too. | – 这儿挺不错的啊 – 是啊 我也喜欢 |
| [12:51] | I mean, it’s a little cold, but… | 虽然有点凉啦 但… |
| [12:52] | Cold? That’s your complaint? It’s cold? | 凉? 你就抱怨这个? 只是凉而已? |
| [12:54] | You two are busting out whether you like it or not. | 管你俩喜不喜欢都得跟老子逃出去 |
| [12:57] | So here’s the plan. | 计划是这样的 |
| [12:58] | First, we’re going to tunnel through the wall | 首先 咱们得在墙里挖条隧道 |
| [13:00] | With this spoon. | 用这小勺 |
| [13:01] | Then we’ll crawl through the storm drains until we get to the parking lot. | 然后顺着排雨沟一路爬到停车场 |
| [13:04] | Connie will then chloroform the guards as Denzel hijacks a car, | Connie负责麻翻警卫 同时Denzel去偷车 |
| [13:07] | Which we’ll use to bust through the gates and drive ourselves to freedom. | 咱们开车撞开大门 冲向自由 |
| [13:11] | Now, let’s do this! | 赶紧的 开搞吧 |
| [13:13] | Oh, shit! | 诶 操蛋 |
| [13:15] | Trying to escape, huh? | 想逃跑是吧? |
| [13:17] | Take him to… | 带他去… |
| [13:18] | The special treatment room. | 特殊治疗室 |
| [13:21] | Special treatment room? That sounds awesome. | 特殊治疗室? 听起来好别致喔 |
| [13:23] | I hope this means I get a new roommate. | 我倒是希望能有个新室友 |
| [13:28] | – Pro-life! – Pro-choice! | – 生命无罪 – 堕胎无罪 |
| [13:33] | Hold on! Wait a minute! Is that a pregnant dude? | 别走 等一下 这哥们是怀孕了么? |
| [13:37] | Dear lord! It’s an abomination to god! | 老天爷啊 这简直是对上天的亵渎 |
| [13:40] | He should abort it. | 他应该堕掉 |
| [13:42] | No, he shouldn’t! It’s a miracle of science! | 不对 他不该堕 这是科学的奇迹 |
| [13:48] | – Pro-choice! – Pro-life! | – 堕胎无罪 – 生命无价 |
| [13:54] | Dead baby, dead baby, dead baby. | 死胎 死胎 死胎 |
| [13:56] | – We have a heartbeat. – Damn it! | – 有心跳了喔 – 我靠 |
| [13:59] | [bleep] you, god. | 老天爷 我擦嘞 |
| [14:00] | I mean yay. | 我是说”好哎” |
| [14:02] | Isn’t this wonderful, Ethel? | 生活太美妙了 Ethel |
| [14:03] | And after all that couple stuff we did, | 参加过那些夫妻牵手活动之后 |
| [14:05] | You and I are even closer. | 咱俩更亲密无间了 |
| [14:07] | Steve, I don’t want this baby! I never wanted this baby! | Steve 我不想要这个孩子 我从没想过要孩子 |
| [14:10] | For god’s sake, I pushed you down a flight of stairs into a pile of coat hangers! | 苍天啊 我都把你推下楼梯 还摔在一堆衣架上了 |
| [14:15] | If it’s a boy, could we name him “Dracula Untold”? | 如果是男孩 咱们叫他”神秘吸血鬼”如何? |
| [14:18] | It’s not about you, Steve. | 不是你的原因 Steve |
| [14:20] | I just don’t want to be a mother, ever. | 我就是不想做母亲而已 永远不想 |
| [14:22] | I wouldn’t want this baby, even if it were someone else’s. | 我不想要这个孩子 就算是别人的种也不想 |
| [14:25] | Funny you should say that, because it is someone else’s. | 你说得真是时候 这孩子就是别人的种 |
| [14:28] | This guy’s. | 这家伙的 |
| [14:29] | I hear there’s an heir to the Skymall family fortune! | 我天拉维商城的家庭财富后继有人啦 |
| [14:32] | Rich, is this true? | 壕哥 这是真的吗? |
| [14:33] | Yes, according to my dna-paternity test/ lord voldemort wall display. | 没错 看我这款可进行DNA亲子鉴定的伏地魔壁挂 不会错了 |
| [14:38] | – Skymall! – I’m gonna be a mommy! | – 天拉维 – 我要当妈了 |
| [14:42] | When I heard you were pregnant, I knew it was mine. | 听说你怀孕的时候 我就知道孩子是我的 |
| [14:44] | I’ve got strong swimmers, | 我的小蝌蚪可健壮呢 |
| [14:46] | thanks to my travel-sized sperm-ometer. | 全靠这款旅行装储精器 |
| [14:48] | Skymall after dark! Shh! | 嘿咻好帮手天拉维 |
| [14:50] | This is bullshit! | 这也太扯了 |
| [14:51] | When did you even sleep together? | 你俩啥时候睡过? |
| [14:53] | The night we went to Epstein’s bar. | 我们去Epstein酒吧那晚啊 |
| [14:55] | Aha! That’s impossible | 哈 那就不可能了 |
| [14:56] | Because Ethel slept with me that night, remember? | 因为那晚Ethel是跟我睡的 记得吗? |
| [14:59] | I don’t remember anything from that night. | 那晚的事我什么也不记得了 |
| [15:04] | Well, we did sleep together, and I can prove it! | 反正我们就是睡了 我可以证明 |
| [15:07] | I videotaped the night we had sex. | 那晚爱爱时我录了像了 |
| [15:13] | Okay, future Steve and future Ethel, | 好了 未来的Steve和未来的Ethel |
| [15:15] | You guys hard? | 你们硬了吗? |
| [15:17] | [bleep] yeah, you’re hard. | 必须特么的硬啊 |
| [15:19] | The things I’m about to do to past Ethel | 我要和Ethel做的事情 |
| [15:22] | Are gonna blow your mind. | 会突破你们的脑洞极限 |
| [15:26] | What–what happened? | 怎么回事? |
| [15:29] | Get up, past Steve! | 起来啊 昏睡Steve |
| [15:30] | Oh, god! He’s dead! | 天啊 他死了 |
| [15:33] | Who are you texting? | 你给谁发短信呢? |
| [15:36] | Yes! I didn’t make love to Steve! | 太好了 我没和Steve做爱 |
| [15:39] | God, this couldn’t get any worse. | 天啊 还有比这更糟的事情嘛 |
| [15:44] | Skymall! | 天拉维 |
| [15:45] | Woody, I’m going to rid you of your delusions. | Woody 我来帮你摆脱幻觉 |
| [15:48] | If you answer my questions with an irrational response, | 我问你问题 如果你给我非理性的回答 |
| [15:51] | I will shock you. | 我就电击你 |
| [15:53] | You can do this, Johnson. Just lie your way through it. | 你能做到的 Johnson 谎话混过去就行 |
| [15:55] | You’re also attached to a lie detector. | 我还给你接上了测谎仪 |
| [15:57] | So if you lie, I will shock you. | 如果你撒谎 我会电击你 |
| [15:59] | Oh, shit. | 操蛋了 |
| [16:01] | Question one: Do you live with a talking bear? | 问题一 你是和一只会说话的熊一起生活吗? |
| [16:04] | Yes, I don’t. Ha. That ought to– | 是的 我没有 拿我没招… |
| [16:07] | That was a lie. | 你撒谎了 |
| [16:09] | Okay, I do! | 好吧 我是 |
| [16:11] | That was delusional. | 你这是说胡话 |
| [16:12] | What the hell do you want? | 你到底想要干嘛? |
| [16:14] | I want to help you. | 我要帮助你 |
| [16:16] | Again, do you live with a talking bear? | 再问你一遍 你是和一只会说话的熊一起生活吗? |
| [16:20] | What happens if I don’t answer? | 如果我不回答呢? |
| [16:21] | You get an ice cream. | 那你就有冰激凌吃了 |
| [16:23] | – I get an ice cream? – Delusional. | – 我能吃冰激凌? – 你说胡话了 |
| [16:28] | Thanks for meeting us, Steve. | 谢谢你来 Steve |
| [16:29] | We want to talk about you being our surrogate. Skymall! | 我们想跟你谈谈代孕的事 天拉维 |
| [16:32] | I have some terms. | 我有一些要求 |
| [16:34] | Um, okay. | 好吧 |
| [16:35] | How bad can it be? | 再坏能怎么样? |
| [16:37] | – I want Rich to die. – Not gonna happen. | – 我想让壕哥去死 – 做梦去吧 |
| [16:39] | Worth a shot. | 问问无妨 |
| [16:41] | “dead. Die. Death. Paralyzed.” | 死掉 死 死亡 瘫痪 |
| [16:44] | Steve, Steve, Steve, I understand you’re upset, | Steve Steve Steve 我知道你很生气 |
| [16:47] | But as payment for being our surrogate, | 但如果你给我们当代孕 |
| [16:49] | I’m prepared to offer you $100,000 | 我会给你十万块… |
| [16:53] | In Skymall credit. | 天拉喂消费卡 |
| [16:55] | The only thing I want is Ethel. | 我唯一要的就是Ethel |
| [16:58] | I know we don’t always get along, | 我知道我们一贯处不来 |
| [17:00] | And my bank account’s just a jizz-stained sock full of pennies, but– | 而且我的银行账户只是个被我射满精液的袜子 但… |
| [17:04] | Would you like to make another deposit, you freaky bastard? | 想不想再来一发啊 你个死变态佬 |
| [17:08] | Anyway, I know that, if you would just give me a chance, | 我想说的是 如果你愿意给我一次机会 |
| [17:11] | I could make you happy. | 我会让你幸福的 |
| [17:13] | That’s why I put this baby in me. | 所以我才把这孩子放进我肚子里 |
| [17:15] | Wow, Steve. | 哇 Steve |
| [17:17] | That’s so… | 真是太… |
| [17:18] | Sad that’s not gonna happen. | 悲伤了 那是不可能的 |
| [17:20] | Once you have this baby, | 一旦你生下这个孩子 |
| [17:21] | Rich and I are moving to his Skymall offices in japan. | 壕哥和我就会搬到他在日本的天拉维办事处去 |
| [17:24] | I want an abortion! | 我要堕胎 |
| [17:27] | Dr. Kuzniak, I need to schedule a– | Kuzniak医生 我要预约堕… |
| [17:29] | How’d you get here so fast? | 你怎么来这么快? |
| [17:31] | Oh, I was heading to the university | 我这是去大学呢 |
| [17:32] | For a little post-spring break cleanup. | 有点春假结束的善后工作需要我处理 |
| [17:34] | Choco taco? | 来个巧克力塔? |
| [17:35] | Steve, you can’t get an abortion! | Steve 你不能堕胎 |
| [17:37] | Yes, I can! My body, my choice! | 我当然可以 我的身子我做主 |
| [17:41] | He’s right! | 他说得对 |
| [17:42] | But it was in my body first, so it’s still my choice. | 但那孩子一开始是我肚子里的 所以仍然我说了算 |
| [17:45] | She’s right! | 她说得对 |
| [17:46] | But it was my seed, so I should make the choice for everybody. | 但那是我播的种 所以应该我说了算才对 |
| [17:51] | – Anybody else confused? – Yeah, I am. | – 有人觉得糊涂了吗? – 我糊涂了 |
| [17:54] | I say we all agree to kill this [bleep] | 要我说 咱们把这小杂种灭了 |
| [17:57] | And go to Hooters and look at some titties. | 然后去猫头鹰餐厅看那些女服务员露奶怎么样? |
| [17:59] | Sounds good to me. I’m a lesbian. | 我同意 我是同性恋 |
| [18:01] | Sounds good to me. I’m a hypocrite. | 我也同意 我是个伪君子 |
| [18:03] | Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! | 杀 杀 杀 杀 杀 杀 杀 杀 |
| [18:06] | With pleasure. | 随你们的便好了 |
| [18:08] | Just one problem: My water broke. | 但有个问题 我羊水破了 |
| [18:11] | Well, looks like I’ll have to kill this thing on the outside. | 看来要等它生出来我再下手了 |
| [18:17] | Steve, breathe. Ethel, hold his hand. | Steve 喘气 Ethel 握住他的手 |
| [18:19] | Dr. Kuzniak, look up how Schwarzenegger gave birth in the movie Junior. | Kuzniak医生 看看施瓦辛格在《威龙二世》里怎么生孩子的 |
| [18:23] | Ah, c-section. | 剖腹产 |
| [18:25] | But enough about my theater seats. How do I get this baby out? | 片子看够了 我怎么才能接生孩子呢? |
| [18:32] | Wow. Haven’t heard that sound ever. | 哇 这声音我从来没听过啊 |
| [18:40] | Why isn’t this fridge magically filling itself? | 这冰箱不是自动填满的么? |
| [18:46] | Woody, you forgot to pay the power bill! | Woody 你忘了交电费了 |
| [18:49] | Oh, that’s right. I guess I have to spring him from that nuthouse. | 好吧 我得去疯人院救他出来了 |
| [18:55] | I want to be inside you. | 我想进入你的身体 |
| [18:57] | Why is that thing glowing? | 为毛你那玩意还发光啊? |
| [18:58] | Happy tree. Happy tree. Happy tree. | 开心树 开心树 开心树 |
| [19:02] | Does something seem weird about Woody? | Woody是不是有点怪? |
| [19:05] | – No. – Woody, pack your straitjacket. We’re getting out of here. | – 没觉得 – Woody 把约束衣脱了 咱们走 |
| [19:08] | Ah! No! The demon from my mind! | 不 我的心魔来了 |
| [19:11] | Get away from me! You’re not real! | 给我滚开 你不是真的 |
| [19:13] | Is this real? | 这是真的不? |
| [19:15] | – Jesus Christ! – Ha ha! Yes, my son? | – 耶稣大爷诶 – 有事吗 孩子? |
| [19:19] | Hey, doc. Turns out I can talk. | 嘿 医生 我的确会说话 |
| [19:20] | So I’ll be taking home the fat, the black, and the ugly. | 所以把这胖子 老黑 还有丑鬼放了吧 |
| [19:23] | It’s a talking bear! It’s a talking bear! | 这熊会说话 这熊会说话 |
| [19:27] | – Growl. – It’s a talking bear! No! No! You saw it! He was talking! He’s a mother– | – 吼 – 这熊会说话 你们看到了 他的确能说话 |
| [19:31] | He was talking! | 他说话了 |
| [19:33] | Oh, no! Not the bees! Not the bees! | 哦 是蜜蜂 不要啊 |
| [19:37] | My eyes! My eyes! | 我的眼睛 我的眼睛 |
| [19:45] | Here comes that bundle of joy. | 准备享受生产的快乐吧 |
| [19:46] | This is gonna be the greatest day of my life. | 这会是我生命中最美好的一天 |
| [19:49] | Congratulations. | 恭喜啦 |
| [19:50] | You’ve given birth to a beautiful, 5-pound, 2-ounce tumor. | 你生出了一个2斤3两的肿瘤 |
| [19:54] | What? | 什么? |
| [19:55] | But how is that possible? | 这怎么可能? |
| [19:57] | Hmm, I guess you never were pregnant. | 估计是你压根就没怀孕吧 |
| [19:59] | I must have transferred an ovarian cyst from Ethel’s body into yours, | 我应该是把Ethel的卵巢囊肿放你肚子里了 |
| [20:03] | thinking it was an embryo. | 当时以为是个胎儿呢 |
| [20:04] | What about the ultrasound and the checkups | 那么超声检查还有婚检 |
| [20:07] | And the Skymall dna test? | 和天拉维的基因测试是怎么回事? |
| [20:08] | Well, Skymall products are shit. | 天拉维的产品全都是垃圾 |
| [20:10] | The rest are oversights that result from having your own prescription pad. | 其他检测结果不准确是因为我嗑药嗑晕了 |
| [20:17] | Well, I’m out of here, | 我要走了 |
| [20:18] | Using my patented Skymall flying squirrel suit. | 看我用天拉维的飞鼠服飞出去 |
| [20:21] | Skymall! | 天拉维 |
| [20:25] | All right. I’m leaving. | 好吧 我走了 |
| [20:27] | Wait. So if it was a tumor, whose choice was it? | 别急 这货要是个肿瘤 选择权在谁手里? |
| [20:32] | You don’t know. You don’t know. | 你不知道 你不知道 |
| [20:34] | You don’t know. | 你不知道 |
| [20:35] | And none of us do, frankly. | 说实话 我们都不知道 |
| [20:37] | Abortion is a very complicated issue. | 堕胎是非常复杂的问题 |
| [20:39] | Oh, who gives a shit? I thought we were going to Hooters. | 谁特么在乎啊 我们不是要去猫头鹰餐厅的嘛 |
| [20:42] | Well, all’s well that ends well. | 看来皆大欢喜了 |
| [20:43] | – I’ll go grind this into taco meat. – No! | – 我把这拿去当肉馅了 – 不要 |
| [20:47] | I’m keeping it! | 我要留下它 |