| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:01] | Whoo! That was good, baby. | 刚才真是爽翻了 宝贝儿 |
| [00:02] | I bet you ain’t made a face like that since your last stroke. | 我敢说从你上次中风后就再没有过刚那销魂的高潮表情 |
| [00:06] | Don’t light that. I’m on oxygen… | 别点火 我吸着氧… |
| [00:12] | Congratulations, Denzel. | 恭喜你 Denzel |
| [00:13] | This is your fourth sex-related injury this month. | 这是你本月第四次因性事牵连而受伤 |
| [00:16] | What can I say, doc? Sleeping with old ladies is dangerous. | 我能说个啥 医生? 和老女人睡觉很危险的 |
| [00:24] | Oh, shit! | 我去 |
| [00:31] | Ah! Teefers! Teefers! | 不是让你用牙”咬” |
| [00:33] | Denzel, your unnatural attraction to elderly women | Denzel 你对老年妇女的反常迷恋 |
| [00:36] | is a condition called gerontophilia, and it is often fatal. | 在医学上称作恋老癖 这种病通常是致命的 |
| [00:39] | Fatal? I’ll kill for pussy, but I ain’t gonna die for it. | 致命? 我可以为老年穴去谋杀 但可不想被谋杀 |
| [00:42] | Luckily, this condition can be cured by a simple outpatient procedure. | 幸运的是 这种病可以通过一种简单的门诊手术被治愈 |
| [00:45] | – Really? Okay, let’s do it. – Let’s get you prepped. | – 真的? 好 那就做吧 – 先来做点准备工作 |
| [00:51] | Hey, what are you doing back… | 嘿 你在我脑瓢儿干啥… |
| [00:53] | And now for the test. | 来做测试看看 |
| [00:55] | Tammy! Gladys! Could you come in here, please? | Tammy Gladys 请你们进来一下好吗? |
| [00:58] | Now, Denzel, which do you prefer? | 好了 Denzel 你对哪位比较有性趣? |
| [00:59] | Nurse? Or hearse? | 俏护士? 还是死老妪? |
| [01:02] | I now pronounce you cured, Denzel. How do you feel? | 我正式宣布你已经被治愈 Denzel 感觉怎么样? |
| [01:05] | I wanna be a fireman! | 我想当一名消防员 |
| [01:19] | And not only am I cured of my lust for grannies, | 我不仅治好了恋老癖 |
| [01:22] | I’m dating Dr. Kuzniak’s hot nurse, Tammy. | 还泡上了Kuzniak医生的俏护士Tammy |
| [01:24] | That’s great, buddy. | 那可真是好 伙计 |
| [01:25] | Yeah. I was starting to think you were some kind of weirdo. | 是啊 我还一直以为你是什么怪胎呢 |
| [01:28] | And that’s coming from a shaved gorilla who eats potpourri. | 吃香包的剃光毛大猩猩还好意思说这话 |
| [01:31] | It makes my farts smell like Christmas. | 吃香包让我的屁闻起来像圣诞大餐 |
| [01:33] | – I have big news, too. – Cancer, cancer, cancer… | – 我也有事要宣布 – 得癌症了 得癌症了 得癌症了 |
| [01:37] | No. I’m also dating someone. | 不是哦 我也正和人拍拖着呢 |
| [01:40] | Her name is TJ. | 她叫TJ |
| [01:41] | She’s smoking hot. She’s athletic. | 简直热辣得烫人 还很擅长运动呢 |
| [01:43] | Steve, uh, you can’t date the characters you create on Wii Fit. | Steve 你是不能和在游戏中创建的角色约会的 |
| [01:46] | Oh, leave Steve alone. | 你废话太多了 |
| [01:47] | I think it’s sweet he’s got an imaginary girlfriend. | 能和想象出来的女朋友谈恋爱也是件甜蜜的事呢 |
| [01:49] | She’s not imaginary. And I’ll prove it. | 她不是想象出来的 我会证明给你看 |
| [01:51] | Let’s go on a double date. | 我们来四人约会吧 |
| [01:53] | All right. I’ll bring Tammy. You bring Kate made-up-ton. | 没问题 我带上Tammy 你就带上你的二次元Kate |
| [01:56] | Bonjour, mon co-travailleurs. | 早上好 同事们 |
| [01:59] | Don’t you want to know why I’m speaking French? | 你们不想知道我为什么说法语吗? |
| [02:01] | – Because you’re a whore. – No. | – 因为你是个婊子 – 错 |
| [02:04] | I’m entering the Miss national park beauty pageant. | 我要去参加国家公园小姐选美大赛了 |
| [02:06] | I couldn’t give two squirts of piss. | 我还真是欲尿 (预料) 不出 |
| [02:08] | Seriously, I got a prostate the size of Melissa McCarthy’s head. | 认真的 我前列腺有梅丽莎·麦卡西的头那么大 |
| [02:12] | First place is a round-trip ticket to anywhere in the world, | 冠军会获得一张往返于世界任何地方的机票 |
| [02:14] | and I’m going to Paris. | 而我要去巴黎 |
| [02:16] | How can you be so sure you’ll win? | 这么确定第一名非你莫属? |
| [02:18] | Please. It’s the surest bet ever. | 拜托 再确定不过了好吧 |
| [02:20] | The rest of the contestants look like… | 我的对手们一看都是… |
| [02:22] | – park rangers. – Really, Ethel? | – 林警样 – 有必要么 Ethel? |
| [02:24] | Beauty pageants are stupid and sexist. | 选美是一件充满了男性至上主义的的蠢事 |
| [02:27] | That’s what people who look like park rangers always say. | 拥有林警身材的人都是这么认为的 |
| [02:31] | “You’re a dead man, fatso.” | “你死定了 死胖子” |
| [02:34] | Oh, Connie, it’s for you. | 说你呢 Connie |
| [02:38] | “I’m talking about you, Woody Johnson.” | “我说的是你 Woody Johnson” |
| [02:41] | Stop breaking my [Bleep] window! | 别特么再砸老子的窗户了 |
| [02:45] | Woody, why did that rock say you’re a dead man? | Woody 为什么说”你死定了”? |
| [02:48] | Oh, it’s nothing. | 没什么 |
| [02:49] | Probably just some of the animals having fun. | 也许是公园里的动物们和咱逗着玩呢 |
| [02:52] | Steve! Put on this mustache and go start my car. | Steve 戴上这假胡子去发动我的车 |
| [03:05] | – No! – I got you now, Johnson! | – 不要 – 抓住你了 Johnson |
| [03:07] | God damn it. I thought the one place I’d be safe is a dark, dead-end alley. | 大爷的 我还以为别处再不安全 暗黑死胡同也是安全的 |
| [03:11] | Shut the hell up! | 闭上你的狗嘴 |
| [03:12] | Now give me the 20 grand you owe me. | 快把欠我的两万刀还给我 |
| [03:14] | I have gotta stop betting on Quidditch. | 我必须不能再赌魁地奇了 |
| [03:17] | I thought Hufflepuff was due. | 还以为赫奇帕奇学院赢定了呢 |
| [03:18] | You better pay up now. Or I’m gonna take a glass rod, | 你最好立刻还钱 否则我会找来个玻璃棒 |
| [03:22] | heat it up with a blowtorch, and stick it up your… | 用喷灯把它加热加烫 接着插入你的… |
| [03:27] | Hi, baby. Oh, Scoodles went pee pee on the rug? | 肿么啦 宝贝儿 Scoodles在毯毯上尿尿啦? |
| [03:30] | Well, I’ll come home and clean it up straight away. | 爸比马上就回家家帮你清理干净哦 |
| [03:33] | I love you more than rainbows. Buh-bye. | 爸比爱你胜彩虹哟 拜拜 |
| [03:36] | So anyway… | 接刚才说的… |
| [03:37] | Glass rod… blowtorch… | 玻璃棒 烫死人的玻璃棒 |
| [03:39] | and it’s going straight up your… | 一阵见血直接插入你的… |
| [03:43] | Hi, plum fairy. | 肿么啦 甜果果 |
| [03:45] | Oh, you want hazelnut truffles from the cheesecake factory? | 想吃芝士蛋糕工厂的香滑榛子松露是吧? |
| [03:48] | Well, sure thing, fluffy kitten. | 马上买回去 绒绒小喵喵 |
| [03:50] | – Where was I? – Glass rod? | – 刚说哪儿了? – 玻璃棒? |
| [03:52] | Right. Thank you. Glass rod! | 没错 谢了 玻璃棒 |
| [03:55] | – I’m gonna… – Hold on. Give me another chance. | – 我要… – 等等 再给我个机会 |
| [03:57] | – A bet. Double or nothing. – On what? | – 再赌一次 输了双倍给你 – 赌什么? |
| [04:00] | Uh, hold on. Let me think. | 等等 让我想想 |
| [04:02] | It’s the surest bet ever. | 再确定不过了好吧 |
| [04:03] | On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss national park beauty pageant. | 赌Ethel能赢国家公园小姐选美大赛第一名 |
| [04:07] | Okay, you’re on. | 好 就这么说定了 |
| [04:09] | And when you lose… | 可要是你输了 |
| [04:10] | I’m gonna take that aforementioned glass rod and… | 我就会用刚才讲到的玻璃棒插入… |
| [04:15] | Hey, little lamb. Heh… leave Woody Johnson alone? | 肿么啦 小绵羊 放了Woody Johnson? |
| [04:18] | – Why? – Because he’s a nice man. | – 为啥捏? – 因为他是个好人 |
| [04:24] | Well, what’d she say? | 她说什么了? |
| [04:29] | – Ha! You are suck penis. – I am suck penis? | – 哈 你个吮屌衰人 – 我是吮屌衰人? |
| [04:35] | – Hmm. – You are suck big gay penis. | – 你最爱吸吮基佬的巨屌 |
| [04:38] | Shut up, God damn it. I’m trying to concentrate. | 闭嘴 你大爷的 我正努力集中注意力呢 |
| [04:42] | You lose! Now I make sex in your face with my penis balls. | 你输了 轮到我用蛋蛋蹂躏你的脸了 |
| [04:46] | Stop it. | 停止 |
| [04:48] | I mean it! Cut it out! | 说正经的呢 停下来 |
| [04:49] | Tea bag termination. | 人死茶凉 |
| [04:52] | I’ll get you for this, you son of a bitch. | 我会报仇的 你个贱种 |
| [04:54] | I in China. What you gonna do, bag of douche? | 我在大天朝呢 你能把我咋地 傻X? |
| [05:01] | Woody! The cleaning lady broke another picture. | Woody 清洁工又把壁画给砸坏啦 |
| [05:04] | So, I guess you didn’t do that, either, did you, Inez? | 我想你又会说不是你干的 对吧 Inez? |
| [05:07] | Just like you didn’t maul me in my sleep | 就像你说没在我睡觉时打我… |
| [05:08] | or order all this hardcore bear porn? | 没买过这些硬派色情熊电影一样? |
| [05:11] | ♪ Alouette, gentille aloutte ♪ | ♪ 云雀云雀 可爱的云雀 ♪ |
| [05:14] | ♪ aloutte, je te plumarai ♪ | ♪ 云雀云雀 来给你梳毛 ♪ |
| [05:18] | Well, hello there, prettiest ranger ever. | 你好啊 史上最美林警 |
| [05:21] | Which dress do you like best? | 你最喜欢哪件裙子? |
| [05:22] | Oh, see, I thought you stopped cross-dressing. | 我以为你戒掉异装癖了呢 |
| [05:24] | They’re not for me, you stupid but … perceptive lady. | 不是给我穿的 你个愚蠢但… 通情达理的妹子 |
| [05:28] | They’re for you. | 是给你穿的 |
| [05:29] | I’m gonna help you win Miss national park. I’m your new coach. | 我会帮你赢得国家公园小姐 从现在起我是你的教练 |
| [05:33] | So now you care about the pageant? | 你开始关心起选美了? |
| [05:35] | Hell yeah. My life is on the line here. | 当然了 我小命都靠这事来保住了 |
| [05:36] | I mean, heh, your trip to Paris. Which I really give a shit about. | 我是说 你去巴黎的旅行 我真的很在乎噢 |
| [05:40] | Cut the crap. What’s going on? | 少绕弯子 到底什么鬼把戏? |
| [05:42] | All right, all right. | 好吧 好吧 |
| [05:43] | The truth is I borrowed some money from manslaughter McGill, | 说实话 我从杀人狂McGill那儿借了点钱 |
| [05:47] | and if you don’t win that pageant, | 如果你不能在选美上胜出 |
| [05:48] | he’s gonna stick a glass rod up my… | 他会拿一根玻璃棒插入我的… |
| [05:51] | well, he never told me. | 好吧 他没说是哪 |
| [05:52] | But there isn’t any good place to stick a glass rod! | 但不管玻璃棒插哪 对我都不是好事啊 |
| [05:56] | I can’t wait for the girls to get here. | 我都等不及看到妹子们进来了 |
| [05:58] | I’ve never been on a double date. | 还从没玩过四人约会呢 |
| [06:00] | 20 bucks says my girl’s hotter than yours. | 赌20刀 我的妞绝对比你的惹火 |
| [06:02] | – You are so on. – Hey, boys. | – 这我赌定了 – 好啊 帅哥们 |
| [06:05] | – Hey, baby. – Hey there. | – 好啊 宝贝 – 好啊 |
| [06:06] | Where’s your girl? | 你的妞呢 |
| [06:07] | – Right here. This is TJ. – No this isn’t. This is Tammy. | – 就在这儿 她叫TJ – 不对 她叫Tammy |
| [06:10] | It’s Tammy Jane. I go by either. | 我叫Tammy Jane 我把你俩都约了 |
| [06:13] | – Surprise. – What? | – 没想到吧 – 什么? |
| [06:15] | – You know what this means, right? – Yeah. She’s a clone! | – 你知道这什么意思 对吧? – 懂的 她是个克隆人 |
| [06:18] | Kill her! | 杀了她 |
| [06:19] | No! She’s going out with both of us. | 不 她要脚踩两条船 |
| [06:21] | This ain’t gonna fly. You gotta choose. | 这样可不行 你只能选一个 |
| [06:24] | Which one of us do you want? | 你到底想和谁在一起? |
| [06:25] | – Okay. I’m choosing Denzel. – Shut up, Steve. | – 好吧 我选Denzel – 闭嘴 Steve |
| [06:27] | Well, I’d rather be with you than a stupid clone. | 我宁愿和你 也不要和这天杀的克隆人在一起 |
| [06:30] | I’m not a clone. And I don’t want to choose. | 我可不是克隆人 也不会从你俩中选的 |
| [06:33] | I like you both. What do you think about a menage a trois? | 你们俩我都喜欢 不如我们来一场激情三角恋吧? |
| [06:36] | Menage a trois? | 激情三角恋? |
| [06:38] | What does Denzel’s cousin have to do with this? | 为什么要把Denzel的堂兄给扯进来? |
| [06:39] | Aw, don’t be a dumbass, Steve. | 别犯傻了 Steve |
| [06:41] | That’s some kind of chicken dish, right? | 那是一道鸡肉做的菜 对吧? |
| [06:43] | Guys, what I’m proposing is a threesome. | 男生们 我是在和你们说三人同床 |
| [06:50] | What’s that? | 那又是什么? |
| [06:52] | Ethel, I can’t believe you’re going through with this. | Ethel 我都不敢相信你要参加选美比赛 |
| [06:54] | – Pageants ruin people’s lives. – Why are you so anti-pageant? | – 选美毁一生啊 – 你咋这么反感选美? |
| [06:58] | What do you even know about them? More than you think. | – 你对选美又了解什么? – 只有你猜不到 |
| [07:01] | When I was younger, I was a world champion pageant queen. | 还是个小孩时 我可是世界级的选美冠军 |
| [07:05] | Just remember, sweetie. | 记住一点 宝贝 |
| [07:06] | You’re beautiful and talented, but if you lose, | 你又漂亮又有天赋 但如果你输了 |
| [07:09] | Jesus will kill grandma and send her to hell. | 耶稣会杀了奶奶 送她下地狱 |
| [07:12] | Okay, mommy. | 好的 妈妈 |
| [07:13] | Oh, wait. You forgot your energy snort. | 差点忘了 你还要喷笑脸棒 |
| [07:18] | Time for the skinny bucket. | 还有减肥桶 |
| [07:23] | ♪ Oh, yankee doodle went to town ♪ | ♪ 美国佬儿去镇上 ♪ |
| [07:25] | ♪ riding on a pony… ♪ | ♪ 骑着一匹小马… ♪ |
| [07:27] | But just as I hit my high note, I also hit puberty. | 但就在要拿到高分的那一刻 我的青春期也到了 |
| [07:31] | ♪ He stuck a feather in his hat ♪ | ♪ 他在帽子上插根鸡毛 ♪ |
| [07:34] | ♪ and called it… ♪ | ♪ 取名叫做… ♪ |
| [07:36] | ♪ macaroni ♪ | ♪ 花花公子 ♪ |
| [07:41] | Did I win? | 我胜出了吗? |
| [07:43] | I had to walk home that day. | 那天我不得不走回家 |
| [07:45] | And when I got there, my family had moved. | 等我回到家 家里人也都搬走了 |
| [07:48] | I never felt loved again. | 感觉不会再爱了 |
| [07:50] | I’m telling you, Ethel. Pageants are evil. | 我告诉你 Ethel 选美大赛本身就很险恶 |
| [07:53] | Sounds like you’re just jealous because you can never win one again. | 听起来你只是嫉妒我 因为你不可能再赢比赛了 |
| [07:57] | I could still win if I wanted to. | 只要我想参加 还是能赢的 |
| [07:59] | Win what, a pie-eating contest? A dog show? Most bacne? | 赢什么 吃馅饼大赛? 赛狗? 后背痤疮赛? |
| [08:02] | Biggest shadow? World’s sweatiest cunt? | 最胖影子赛? 最深阴道赛? |
| [08:04] | I’ll show you. | 你走着瞧吧 |
| [08:05] | I’m gonna enter the Miss national park pageant | 我会参加国家公园小姐选美大赛 |
| [08:07] | and beat your skinny little ass! | 把你皮包骨的屁股打得落花流水 |
| [08:09] | What’s going on? Connie! Don’t speak to the talent. | 怎么了? Connie 别和选手吵架 |
| [08:11] | Actually, Connie has decided to enter the pageant. | 事实上 Connie准备参加选美大赛 |
| [08:14] | Good idea, Connie. | 想法不错 Connie |
| [08:16] | Ethel will look even prettier standing next to a red-headed refrigerator. | Ethel站在顶着红毛的冰箱旁边 美丽就更能衬托出来了 |
| [08:19] | No, I can win. | 不 我要赢 |
| [08:21] | Win what, a pie-eating contest? | 赢什么 吃馅饼大赛? |
| [08:25] | I already did that one. | 那梗我说过了 |
| [08:27] | – How about sweatiest gunt? – Yep. | – 那最深阴道赛呢? – 也说过了 |
| [08:29] | Goddamn Malloy. | 我靠 Malloy |
| [08:31] | He’s selling these insults to everybody. | 他把这些侮辱纸条给所有人卖了个遍 |
| [08:35] | Forget it, man. I ain’t doing this threesome. | 得了吧 哥们 我才不乐意三人同床呢 |
| [08:37] | There ain’t no way I’m getting in bed with another dude. | 休想让我和别的男人睡一张床 |
| [08:39] | It’s not just another dude. You’d be in bed with me. | 这何止是和别的男人同床 你是和我同床呢 |
| [08:42] | Shh. Steve, my dick can hear you. | 嘘 Steve 我的屌都听得到 |
| [08:44] | Come on, man. It’ll be fun. | 拜托 哥们 这事绝对有趣 |
| [08:46] | – Did your dick hear that? – Steve, I’m telling you. | – 你的屌听到了吗? – Steve 我和你说 |
| [08:48] | Two-dude threesomes are dangerous. | 两个大男人玩三人同床危险得很 |
| [08:50] | – What are you talking about? – I know this guy Artie, right? | – 你说什么? – 我认得一个叫Artie的哥们 |
| [08:52] | He was doing a two-dude threesome, and then out of nowhere… | 他就是玩的两男三人同床 然后不知怎的… |
| [08:55] | Gets hit in the chest with some runaway jizz. | 胸前被跑漏的精液射了个中 |
| [08:58] | That’s some shit you ain’t coming back from. | 这玩意一旦遭中可就没得救了 |
| [08:59] | – Man… – Oh, you think that’s bad? | – 天哪… – 你这就觉得可怕了? |
| [09:01] | My boy Reggie? He and his brother, Tyreke, did a threesome. | 我哥们Reggie? 和他哥Tyreke也来了个三人同床 |
| [09:04] | Shit went wrong… | 结果出了意外… |
| [09:05] | those two motherfuckers is married now. | 现在这俩逗逼结婚了 |
| [09:07] | See? A happy ending. | 你看? 大团圆嘛 |
| [09:09] | Come on… this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. | 来嘛 这事一生只有一次的 |
| [09:12] | – Please? – Oh, all right. | – 拜托? – 好啦好啦 |
| [09:15] | But if we do this thing, we gonna do it right. | 但咱们要做这事 就得做得尽善尽美 |
| [09:17] | Time to take you to school. | 该给你上上课了 |
| [09:19] | Oh, I’m not allowed within 50 feet of those. | 噢 我必须和学校保持50英尺的距离 |
| [09:21] | My parole officer calls them “temptation houses.” | 我的假释官说 那是”诱惑之屋” |
| [09:26] | Step, two, three, four. | 起步 二 三 四 |
| [09:28] | Turn around and show the back door. | 转个圈 撅腚露后门 |
| [09:30] | Now do it with your ass. | 现在用你屁股做一遍 |
| [09:31] | Woody, what are you doing? I’m 90 pounds. | Woody 你在搞什么鬼? 我只有90磅重 |
| [09:34] | That’s right, Oprah. We need to get you into the 80s. | 没错 奥普拉 我们得把你减到80磅 |
| [09:36] | Now shake that fat ass and give me sparkle fingers! | 给我把你的肥屁股晃起来 然后做个金手指 |
| [09:40] | You better make those fingers sparkle or I’ll cut ’em off. | 做不出金手指 我就把你的手指头给剪掉 |
| [09:44] | – Jesus Christ, Woody! – You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. | – 我了个天呐 Woody – 是我不对 是我不对 很抱歉 |
| [09:47] | Here… I got you a little something to help you win. | 给你… 我给你准备了点致胜的小玩意 |
| [09:50] | Oh, Woody… | 噢 Woody… |
| [09:52] | – Wait, what are these numbers? – It’s the judges’ hotel rooms. | – 等等 这些号码是干嘛的? – 是评委旅馆的房间号码 |
| [09:55] | You’re gonna get sparkle fingered by every single one of them. | 你得让他们每个人都对你用金手指 |
| [10:01] | Oh, where did you go, little cute Connie? | 萌萌的小Connie去哪儿了? |
| [10:04] | – I’ll never win. – Of course you can win. | – 我不可能赢的 – 你肯定能赢 |
| [10:08] | I know. A pie-eating contest. | 我知道 赢吃派比赛 |
| [10:10] | A whale-a-thon. A boner-killing contest. | 鲸拉松 “性致”破坏大赛什么的 |
| [10:13] | No. The pageant. | 错 我说的是选美 |
| [10:16] | And is it cool if I have that boner contest line? | 能不能顺便把”性致”破坏大赛这梗让给我? |
| [10:17] | This is hopeless. | 绝对没希望的 |
| [10:19] | Nonsense. I can help you win this thing. | 胡说 我可以帮你赢 |
| [10:21] | On one condition. I get the first-prize plane ticket. | 有一个条件 头等奖机票归我 |
| [10:24] | My goal is to see China. And murder a child. | 我要去中国转一圈 顺便宰个熊孩子 |
| [10:27] | Uh, why don’t you just kill a Chinese kid here? | 为啥不就近在这儿宰一个? |
| [10:29] | Not any Chinese kid. That Peking dick | “怨”有头债有主 我要宰那个… |
| [10:32] | who put my tea bag humiliation video on YouTube. | 把”吃蛋”视频传到Youtube上的北京小混蛋 |
| [10:34] | You got a deal. I don’t care about the prize. | 那就这么定了 反正我不在乎奖品 |
| [10:37] | – I just want to beat Ethel. – We have got a lot of work to do. | – 我只想打败Ethel – 咱要做的事儿还多着呢 |
| [10:40] | There is no getting around the fact | 这是不争的事实啊 |
| [10:41] | that you’re about as hot as a young John Goodman. | 你的火辣程度也就到年轻时代的John Goodman |
| [10:43] | Thank you. | 谢谢表扬 |
| [10:44] | But you can take the whole thing if you nail the Q&A and talent competitions. | 但搞定问答环节和才艺展示 那你肯定能赢 |
| [10:49] | Those two are my specialties. | 我最擅长这两样 |
| [10:50] | I’ll be a pageant queen again. | 我又可以当选美皇后了 |
| [10:52] | Yay! Time to celebrate! | 好哎 先庆祝一下 |
| [10:56] | It’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas. | 马上就会有圣诞节的味儿了 |
| [11:21] | Ladies, I’ve produced this pageant for 22 years. | 姑娘们 这比赛我办了22年了 |
| [11:23] | Remember, you’re all just sides of beef. | 记住 你们只要露肉就好 |
| [11:25] | Smiles, everyone. Smiles. | 微笑 大家 面带微笑 |
| [11:27] | You don’t have a chance. You’re… going… down. | 你没机会的 玩儿去吧你 |
| [11:31] | Yeah, on miss Grand Tetons after I win. | 等我赢了 玩大提顿这妹子给你看 |
| [11:34] | That’s it, Connie. Don’t let her get in your head. You’re a star. | 够了 Connie 别让她干扰到你 你才是最亮的星 |
| [11:37] | Yeah, ’cause people go blind when they stare at her. | 是啊 看见她的人都被亮瞎了 |
| [11:40] | That sucks. | 这梗真烂 |
| [11:41] | Malloy, save these crappy jokes for Aziz Ansari. | Malloy 你这些挫笑话还是留着给Aziz Ansari用吧 |
| [11:44] | And tonight’s pageant will be judged by… | 今晚选美赛的裁判有… |
| [11:46] | former NBA star and father of 37… | 前NBA明星 37个娃儿的爹 |
| [11:49] | Shawn Kemp! | 肖恩·坎普 |
| [11:50] | Titty bar owner Jorge! | 脱衣舞店老板Jorge |
| [11:52] | And washed-up actress Susan Sarandon. | 以及过气演员 苏珊·萨兰登 |
| [11:56] | And now, let’s meet our contestants! | 现在 有请选手们登场 |
| [12:04] | Oh, you pregnant now. | 这下你怀上我的娃了 |
| [12:07] | Now, this “X” is me… this “X” is you… | 这个X代表我 另一个代表你 |
| [12:09] | and Tammy’s the “O.” | Tammy就是这个O |
| [12:11] | Rule number one… the Xs can never touch. | 规则一… 两个X绝对不能碰到 |
| [12:14] | Question. How does her vagina get big enough to fit both of our wieners? | 我有问题 她的洞洞怎么才能大到足够塞进两根”香肠”? |
| [12:18] | Steve, you dumbass! | Steve 你个傻X |
| [12:19] | We don’t go in the same hole at the same time. | 咱俩不会同时在同一个洞里的 |
| [12:21] | Stick to the game plan. | 严格按规则来 |
| [12:22] | No audibles. No changing the play. | 不许发声 不许玩花样 |
| [12:24] | When can I talk dirty? Girls love this one… | 那我啥时能说点淫荡的? 妹子们就喜欢这个 |
| [12:27] | Your vagina looks extra moist. | 你的阴道看起来额外地湿润 |
| [12:31] | Steve Steve! | |
| [12:33] | Next up, we have Ethel Anderson. | 接下来上场的是Ethel Anderson |
| [12:36] | Ethel is five-foot-six and weighs 95 pounds. | Ethel身高1米7 重43公斤 |
| [12:39] | She loves eating and vomiting, and her hobbies include: | 她喜欢吃完就吐 个人爱好有: |
| [12:42] | Drunken hook-ups, walks of shame, | 酒后约炮 炮后内疚 |
| [12:44] | and late-term abortions. | 以及临产堕胎 |
| [12:46] | Sorry, I just wrote down everything I knew about you. | 不好意思 我只是如实写了我知道的事 |
| [12:48] | And finally… Connie Cunaman. | 最后上场的是Connie Cunaman |
| [12:51] | Connie is 12 hands high with good gums | Connie有12手高 牙口好 |
| [12:54] | and apparently… has broken our scale. | 而且很明显 我们的秤就是她压坏的 |
| [12:56] | Connie! Where’s your bikini bottom? | Connie 你的比基尼底裤呢? |
| [12:58] | It’s right here. My camel toe’s eating it. | 在的 被”骆驼趾”夹进去了 |
| [13:01] | See? | 看见没? |
| [13:05] | I got this love doll to help us practice. | 我带了个充气娃娃来练习 |
| [13:06] | Now show me your moves. | 你先上给我看看 |
| [13:10] | What is that noise? Is your ass queefing? | 什么动静啊? 你屁股还放阴屁啊? |
| [13:13] | My butthole makes sounds when it’s relaxed. | 人家的菊花一放松就会发出声音嘛 |
| [13:14] | Clench that bitch! | 给我夹紧了 |
| [13:16] | Now what we about to do is a dangerous dance. | 接下来的 可是既危险又刺激啊 |
| [13:17] | When I go left, you go right. | 我往左 你就往右 |
| [13:19] | When I go up, you go down. | 我玩上面 你来下面 |
| [13:21] | When I’m in the mouth, you go South. | 我亲嘴 你舔菊 |
| [13:23] | When I go pink, you go stink. Ready? | 我走水路 你去旱路 准备好没? |
| [13:25] | One… two… | 一… 二… |
| [13:27] | Ah! I won! | 好 比你快 |
| [13:30] | Steve, don’t tell me you nutted. | Steve 别跟我说你完事了 |
| [13:35] | Our first question for Ethel | 问Ethel的第一个问题 |
| [13:37] | will come from ex-NBA star and father of 37, Shawn Kemp. | 来自前NBA明星 37个娃儿的爹 肖恩·坎普 |
| [13:41] | – I like them titties. – That’s not actually a question. | – 这对奶子我喜欢 – 这不算是提问吧 |
| [13:45] | I like them… titties? | 这对奶子… 窝喜欢? |
| [13:48] | Still not a question. You just went up at the end. | 还是不算提问 你只是升了个调嘛 |
| [13:50] | I’ll ask the question. | 我来提问吧 |
| [13:52] | Ethel, what do you think is the most pressing issue facing young women today? | Ethel 你觉得今日女性所面临的最迫切的问题是什么? |
| [13:57] | – I’d like to quote Sheryl Sandberg… – Thank you. | – 雪莉·桑德伯格曾说… – 谢谢 |
| [13:59] | Connie, same question. | Connie 还是这个问题 |
| [14:01] | God bless the troops. And puppies! | 上帝保佑我军 保佑小狗狗 |
| [14:09] | Ethel, get your shit together | Ethel 给老子用心点 |
| [14:11] | or that pussy-whipped gangster’s gonna kill me. | 那个妻管严的坏蛋会杀了我的 |
| [14:14] | Snow angel! | 雪天使 |
| [14:15] | Crab walk! | 螃蟹步 |
| [14:17] | Spin cycle! | 空翻蝶 |
| [14:18] | Go for the “O!” | 一杆进洞 |
| [14:20] | Eiffel tower! | 埃菲尔铁塔 |
| [14:21] | I think I’m ready. | 我觉得我可以了 |
| [14:23] | – I didn’t mess up once. – You are ready. | – 我一招都没弄错过 – 你的确可以 |
| [14:25] | And if you can keep your focus here, you can do it anywhere. | 在这种地方都能精神集中的话 在哪都没问题的 |
| [14:29] | ♪ I don’t know where ♪ | ♪ 不知何地 ♪ |
| [14:31] | ♪ I don’t know when ♪ | ♪ 不知何时 ♪ |
| [14:33] | ♪ but I know something’s about to begin ♪ | ♪ 但我深知 爱将开始 ♪ |
| [14:37] | ♪ look and you’ll know ♪ | ♪ 睁眼看清 用心感应 ♪ |
| [14:38] | ♪ some day I’ll go inside your world ♪ | ♪ 某天我会 深驻你心 ♪ |
| [14:48] | Beat that, bitch. | 跟我比啊 你个婊 |
| [14:50] | Next up, Ethel Anderson. | 下一位 Ethel Anderson |
| [15:01] | Yes! Now it’s in the bag. | 赞 冠军收入囊中 |
| [15:03] | Where Connie’s face belongs. | Connie的蠢脸就该藏在囊里 |
| [15:05] | Eh? Malloy, I’m writing all my own shit now! | 懂嘛? Malloy 老子现在平步青云 |
| [15:08] | Wrong again, Woodrow. I’m making some changes. | 又错了 Woodrow 哥在改写剧本了 |
| [15:10] | This beauty pageant’s about to get ugly. | 这场选美大赛马上会丑恶百出 |
| [15:12] | Oh, yeah? Who died and made you producer? | 是嘛? 谁死了轮着你做制片人了? |
| [15:14] | The producer. | 制片人咯 |
| [15:17] | Cleaning lady did it. | 清洁工干的 |
| [15:18] | Yeah, I guess she’s still pissed at me | 就知道她还窝火呢 |
| [15:20] | ’cause I made her clean the toilet… while I was still on it. | 因为我让她打扫马桶… 当时我还在用 |
| [15:25] | Hi, guys. | 嗨 伙计们 |
| [15:30] | Oh, don’t mind him. When he gets nervous he giggles. | 甭理他 他一紧张就咯咯傻笑 |
| [15:33] | Don’t be nervous. We just need to loosen up. | 别紧张嘛 我们需要的是彻底的放松 |
| [15:36] | I know I could use a cock… tail. | 反正我只需要鸡… 尾酒 |
| [15:42] | To a fun night. | 今晚玩得愉快 |
| [15:47] | What happened? Where are we? | 发生什么了? 我们这是在哪? |
| [15:49] | Holy shit! This bitch crazy! | 我擦嘞 这婊子疯了 |
| [15:52] | – Tammy? – Tammy’s gone. | – Tammy? – Tammy死了 |
| [15:55] | I am Lady Ballcrusher, mistress of pain! | 我是蛋碎女王 蛋疼情妇 |
| [15:58] | You two are now my slaves! | 你俩现在是我的奴隶了 |
| [16:01] | Wh-why are you doing this? | 你… 你干嘛要这么做? |
| [16:02] | It turns me on to dominate stupid men. | 统治傻缺男人让我浴火焚身 |
| [16:05] | – I’m not a stupid men. – Shut up! | – 人家才不傻缺咧 – 闭嘴 |
| [16:07] | Now get on your hands and knees and act like the dogs you are! | 全都跪下 像平时一样给我人模狗样起来 |
| [16:15] | Steve, just ’cause she told us to be dogs don’t mean you have to sniff my ass. | Steve 她说让咱们人模狗样 没说让你丫闻我菊花 |
| [16:18] | She told us what now? | 她说让我们咋地? |
| [16:20] | Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! | 欢迎各位 欢迎各位 欢迎各位 |
| [16:22] | To the final event of the Miss national park beauty pageant! | 来到国家公园小姐选美大赛总决赛现场 |
| [16:28] | Cue the cage. | 下笼子 |
| [16:30] | A steel cage death match! | 钢铁之笼生死决战 |
| [16:32] | Last contestant standing will be… | 最后一名站立的选手将成为… |
| [16:35] | Miss national park! | 国家公园小姐 |
| [16:36] | – What the hell, Malloy? – Wait a minute. | – 搞毛啊 Malloy? – 给我慢着 |
| [16:39] | Your girl against that orange bigfoot? | 你的妞儿还想对阵那个红毛大脚怪? |
| [16:41] | Well, I might as well take the glass rod | 我看我还是抄起玻璃棒 |
| [16:44] | and shove it up your fingle-fangle right now! | 直接插进你软软小菊菊里算了 |
| [16:47] | My what? | 我的啥? |
| [16:48] | Oh, shit. Missed a call from the wife. | 卧槽 漏了老婆大人一个电话 |
| [16:50] | She’s gonna be pissed. I gotta run. | 她肯定得毛了 我先逃了 |
| [16:52] | Wait! What’s a fingle-fangle? | 等等 软软小菊菊是啥啊? |
| [16:55] | Cue the weapons. | 放武器 |
| [16:59] | Let the Hunger Games begin! | 让饥饿游戏开始吧 |
| [17:10] | Now this is what I call a pageant. | 这才称得上是大赛 |
| [17:14] | Woof! Woof! Arf! Arf! | 嗷呜 嗷呜 汪 汪 |
| [17:16] | – How much longer do we have to do this? – Shut up, Fido! | – 我们还得这么着多久啊? – 闭嘴 阿黄 |
| [17:19] | Uh, I thought I was Fido. | 我应该是阿黄吧 |
| [17:22] | Time for your kibble. Be right back. | 该喂你们狗食了 去去就来 |
| [17:25] | – Man, I’ve had enough of this shit. – Eyes on the prize, Denzel. | – 真特么受够了 – 眼光放长远点 Denzel |
| [17:27] | It shouldn’t be long till we have our threesome. | 过不了多久我们就能玩三人同床啦 |
| [17:30] | And she is so hot. | 她好好惹火噢 |
| [17:32] | – Who the [Bleep] are you? – I’m Fido. He’s Sparky. | – 你们特么什么人? – 我是阿黄 他是火火 |
| [17:35] | Are you two screwing my wife? | 你们丫是要干我老婆嘛? |
| [17:37] | – That’s why we’re here. – Steve! | – 不然我们干嘛来了 – Steve |
| [17:39] | Oh, sorry. Rat’s rhy re’re rere! | 抱歉 不然汪们干嘛来了汪 |
| [17:42] | – I’ll kill you bastards! – Ruh-roh. | – 我宰了你们混账 – 汪呜 |
| [17:46] | Oh, you’re not killing anyone. | 你敢宰一个试试 |
| [17:48] | What’s going on, Tammy? Are you cheating on me? | 发生什么了 Tammy? 你劈腿了嘛? |
| [17:50] | Shut up! These guys are here for a threesome. | 闭嘴 这俩货是来玩三人同床的 |
| [17:53] | – And they’re gonna have it! – Yes! | – 我就必须成全他们 – 赞 |
| [17:56] | – With you. – W-W-W-What? | – 你们仨 – 啥啥啥玩意儿? |
| [17:58] | – With me? – Yes. | – 我们仨? – 没错 |
| [18:00] | Now stop delaying and start three-waying. | 别磨叽了 给我三人同床玩起来 |
| [18:03] | Okay, sweetie. Anything for you. | 好哒 小亲亲 为你啥都行 |
| [18:06] | – No! Don’t listen to her! – Sorry, guys. | – 别介 别听她的 – 对不住了 哥们儿 |
| [18:08] | In a marriage, you’ve got to choose your battles. | 在婚姻里 男人必须直面挑战 |
| [18:10] | Then choose this one! | 你屌得过我嘛 |
| [18:14] | I got your text, Tammy. Everything okay? | 收到你短信了 Tammy 没啥事吧? |
| [18:16] | – Shut up and get in there! – Okay. | – 闭嘴 给我滚过去 – 好的 |
| [18:18] | You know, this isn’t even the weirdest thing I’ve done today. | 其实吧 这还真不是今天我干过最诡异的事儿 |
| [18:23] | This is my octagon, bitch. | 这儿是我的决杀场 贱人 |
| [18:27] | Oh, shit. | 我擦 |
| [18:30] | – So who can’t win a pageant anymore? – Connie! | – 谁说我赢不了大赛来着? – Connie |
| [18:34] | Mommy? What are you doing here? | 妈咪 你到这儿干嘛来了? |
| [18:36] | I thought seeing you in a pageant might make me love you again. | 我想着看看你在大赛上拼搏 或许会让我再爱上你的 |
| [18:39] | And? | 然后呢? |
| [18:41] | Still not feeling it. | 就没有然后了 |
| [18:44] | Go ahead. Pull the trigger. | 来吧 扣动扳机 |
| [18:47] | You’d be doing me a favor. | 谢谢你让我解脱 |
| [18:49] | Nobody loves me and nobody ever will. | 从没人爱过我 以后也不会有了 |
| [18:52] | No. | 不 |
| [18:56] | You were right, Connie. | 你说得对 Connie |
| [18:57] | Beauty pageants do destroy people’s lives. | 选美大赛确实毁一生 |
| [19:00] | And all because we place winning above everything. | 全都因为我们把胜负看得比天还高 |
| [19:02] | Well, I say that ends now. | 现在 我要说一切结束了 |
| [19:05] | Tonight, we are co-champions! | 今晚 我们是双冠王 |
| [19:07] | Aw, that’s sweet, Ethel. But guess what? | 哎好窝心啊 Ethel 不过猜怎么着? |
| [19:11] | There’s no such thing as co-champions! | 双冠王你个大头鬼啊 |
| [19:14] | I’m Miss national park! | 我是国家公园小姐 |
| [19:18] | – And I’m screwed. – And I’m going to China. | – 我完蛋了 – 我要去中国了 |
| [19:21] | Don’t have your funeral till I get back. | 回来之前你葬礼先别办 |
| [19:23] | I want to miss it intentionally. | 我要成心错过才行 |
| [19:24] | ♪ There she is! ♪ | ♪ 她诞生了 ♪ |
| [19:27] | ♪ Miss national park! ♪ | ♪ 国家公园小姐 ♪ |
| [19:37] | Is Chang here? | 姓常的在家嘛? |
| [19:41] | – Hello, Chang. – Malloy. How you get here? | – 你好呀 姓常的 – Malloy 你怎么来的? |
| [19:44] | I took a “prane.” But that doesn’t matter. | 坐灰机来的 但这不是重点 |
| [19:46] | I am here to destroy you in person. | 我来是要亲手灭了你的 |
| [19:50] | Oh, my God. I had no idea… | 我的天呐 我不知道… |
| [19:54] | it was gonna be this easy. | 这事儿这么容易 |
| [20:01] | You sure about this? | 你确定要这么干? |
| [20:02] | I didn’t think that threesome went that bad. | 我觉得那种三人同床也没那么糟嘛 |
| [20:04] | Oh, shut the hell up, Steve. Young pussy’s too much trouble. | 闭你丫的嘴吧 Steve 年轻人的下三路麻烦太多 |
| [20:06] | Knock me back into liking old bitches. | 把我敲回那个爱老女人的过去 |
| [20:08] | Okay, buddy. If that’s what you want. | 好的吧 兄弟 你愿意就行呀 |
| [20:15] | Excuse me, Sonny. We need some help. | 打扰下 好孩子 我们想问点事情 |
| [20:18] | – Well, hello there, sexy. – Hello, yourself. | – 哎唷 瞧瞧这小骚逼 – 说你自己呢嘛 |
| [20:22] | I wasn’t talking to you. | 没搭理你 |
| [20:23] | I was talking to that hot piece of ass right there. | 哥说的是下边这朵惹火小雏菊 |
| [20:26] | Oops. I think I hit him too hard. | 糟糕 用力过猛了我 |
| [20:28] | What kind of park is this? | 你们这是什么公园? |
| [20:36] | What’s wrong, McGill? You just don’t seem into it. | 咋了 McGill? 你咋这么心不在焉? |
| [20:38] | Just a little trouble with the wife. | 跟老婆大人闹了点儿别扭 |
| [20:40] | Well, I’m not a licensed therapist, but… | 说起来我不是什么理疗师哈 不过… |
| [20:42] | there’s something that’s worked with my wives in the past. | 过去我有一招儿对付我老婆特管用 |
| [20:46] | – Even? – Even. | – 扯平了? – 扯平了 |