| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:06] | Are you reading your own John Stuart Mill book? | 你在看你自己写的关于约翰·斯图尔特·米尔的书吗 |
| [00:08] | I finally convinced the university | 我终于说服大学 |
| [00:09] | to let me teach a class on Mill, | 让我教授一门关于米尔的课 |
| [00:10] | so I’m brushing up on my favorite anecdotes. | 所以我要复习下我最爱的关于他的趣闻轶事 |
| [00:13] | Wrote a history of Rome at age 6. | 6岁时就写了一部关于罗马的史书 |
| [00:16] | – The scamp. – That’s it. | -那个无赖 -行了 |
| [00:17] | We’re losing the swear jar and getting a dork jar. | 取消「说脏话罚款制」 改成「书呆子罚款制」 |
| [00:19] | You owe a quarter for “Scamp”. | 你刚说了”无赖” 要罚款25美分 |
| [00:21] | I’m getting a hot tub next month. | 我下个月都能够钱去买个热水浴缸了 |
| [00:23] | But it might not get off the ground. | 但这项目可能启动不起来 |
| [00:24] | Only a few students have signed up so far. | 目前只有几个学生报名了 |
| [00:26] | You want to fill up the class? | 你想让课堂满座吗 |
| [00:28] | Just teach a subject kids care about. | 那就教孩子们在乎的课 |
| [00:30] | Like water slides or skateboard fails. | 比如水滑梯或玩滑板的翻车时刻 |
| [00:33] | Good tips. Helpful. | 真是好建议 太有帮助了 |
| [00:36] | You’re still reading “Gone Girl”? | 你还在看《消失的爱人》吗 |
| [00:37] | Don’t say it like that. | 别用这种语气啊 |
| [00:39] | It’s been years! | 都已经好多年了 |
| [00:40] | You checked that out ony library card. | 你是用我的借书卡借的这本书 |
| [00:42] | They’re gonna revoke my microfiche privileges! | 他们会取消我查看微缩胶片的特权 |
| [00:45] | Another quarter. And it’s not my fault. | 又罚款25美分 这不是我的错啊 |
| [00:47] | Every time I pick it up, a child interrupts me. | 我每次拿起书来看 孩子们都会打扰我 |
| [00:51] | Is my breath really that bad? | 我的口气真的很臭吗 |
| [00:54] | What’s my Social Security number? | 我的社保号是多少 |
| [00:55] | A Nigerian prince needs it. | 一位尼日利亚王子需要知道 |
| [00:57] | Mom, is my nose bleeding? | 妈 我的鼻子流血了吗 |
| [00:59] | And then there’s the “I can’t find my”s. | 然后还有他们经常找不到的东西的时刻 |
| [01:02] | Mom, I can’t find my… | 妈 我找不到我的… |
| [01:03] | – Backpack. – Jacket. | -背包 -夹克衫 |
| [01:04] | – Sneaker. – Headphones. | -运动鞋 -耳机 |
| [01:05] | – Toothbrush. – Other sneaker. | -牙刷 -另一只运动鞋 |
| [01:06] | – Turtle. – Sunglasses. | -乌龟 -墨镜 |
| [01:07] | – Lucky socks. – Keys. | -幸运袜 -钥匙 |
| [01:09] | – Cufflinks. – Lucky earrings. | -袖扣 -幸运耳环 |
| [01:10] | – Lipstick. – Ascot. | -口红 -宽领带 |
| [01:11] | – Lucky hairband. – Sunglasses. | -幸运发箍 -墨镜 |
| [01:12] | – Shoehorn. – Lucky cough drop. | -鞋拔子 -幸运止咳片 |
| [01:14] | – Charger. – Charger. | -充电器 -充电器 |
| [01:15] | Lucky charger. | 幸运充电器 |
| [01:16] | I haven’t had a moment to myself | 我再也没有属于自己的时间了 |
| [01:18] | since Taylor kicked out my mucus plug. | 自从大女儿泰勒出生后就没了 |
| [01:20] | Lovely. | 真棒 |
| [01:21] | One of you has to take me driving. | 你们两个中的一个得带我去练车 |
| [01:23] | I need 40 hours to get my license. | 我需要开满40小时才能拿到驾照 |
| [01:25] | I can’t even complain about being interrupted | 我就连抱怨被打扰 |
| [01:27] | without being interrupted! | 都会被打扰 |
| [01:28] | There is nowhere that I can go to get away from these people. | 就没有一个能让我逃避这些孩子的地方吗 |
| [01:31] | I decided what I wanted for my big girl room. | 我决定好我的大姑娘房间要配备些什么了 |
| [01:34] | Direct your eyes to my vision board. | 请看我的愿景板 |
| [01:37] | It’s Jackie O’s 5th Avenue Apartment. | 这就是前总统夫人杰姬的第五大道百货商店 |
| [01:39] | I loved her ever since I saw her in the Zapruder Film. | 自从我在泽普鲁德影片里看到她 就很喜欢她 |
| [01:42] | We don’t have money for new furniture, | 我们没钱购置新家具 |
| [01:43] | but you are free to use whatever you find around the house. | 但你在家里找到什么 都随便你用 |
| [01:45] | There’s a bunch of old furniture in the basement. | 地下室里有很多旧家具 |
| [01:47] | If we don’t have any money, | 如果我们家没钱 |
| [01:48] | then why does Taylor have that fancy new hoodie? | 那泰勒怎么买了那件高级的新卫衣 |
| [01:53] | Didn’t Trip buy that for her? | 那不是特里普给她买的吗 |
| [01:54] | No. She bought it with the money she took from your wallet. | 不是 她是用从你们的钱包里拿的钱买的 |
| [01:59] | Taylor, is that true? | 泰勒 是真的吗 |
| [01:59] | You said I could take a $20, so I did! | 你说我可以拿走20美元 我就拿了 |
| [02:02] | Three times. | 不过拿了三次 |
| [02:03] | – I’ll pay you back! – With what? | -我会还给你们的 -怎么还 |
| [02:05] | With my future famous- person money. | 等我未来成为名人就有钱了 |
| [02:07] | As long as you have a plan. | 只要你有计划就好 |
| [02:09] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [02:10] | You’re grounded. | 你被禁足了 |
| [02:11] | Why couldn’t you mind your own stupid business? | 你为什么就不能管好自己的事 别多管闲事 |
| [02:13] | I’m 10! My business is boring! | 我才10岁 我自己的事太无趣了 |
| [02:15] | If Taylor gets a hoodie, I want a driving instructor. | 既然泰勒有了新卫衣 那我想要个驾驶指导 |
| [02:18] | Well, we all want things, Oliver. | 每个人都有想要的东西 奥利弗 |
| [02:19] | I want to finish this book before cataracts make my eyes explode, | 我想在患白内障前先把这本书看完 |
| [02:22] | but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. | 但恐怕那是不可能的 |
| [02:26] | That’s a library book! | 那可是图书馆借来的书 |
| [02:27] | Another quarter. | 再次罚款25美分 |
| [02:36] | Okay, Lonnie, you were 19 years old | 朗尼 你当时才19岁 |
| [02:38] | and the biggest thing on the Internet. | 就已经成为最爆的网红了 |
| [02:40] | What did you do with your first check from YouTube? | 油管给你的第一张支票 你用来干什么了 |
| [02:42] | I bought a small town in Wyoming and renamed it “Fartsville.” | 我在怀俄明州买了个小镇 改名为「臭屁镇」 |
| [02:45] | They just got an Applebee’s. | 那里只有一家苹果蜂餐厅 |
| [02:47] | Hey, after work, | 话说 下班后 |
| [02:48] | can you come with me to the aquarium? | 你能陪我一起去水族馆吗 |
| [02:50] | I need you to distract the guards | 我需要你帮我引开守卫 |
| [02:51] | while I jump into the shark tank. | 好让我跳进鲨鱼池里 |
| [02:53] | Why on Earth would you do that? | 你为什么要那么做 |
| [02:54] | Got to, bruh. | 不得不做啊 老兄 |
| [02:55] | There’s this new guy chomping at my likes on YouTube, | 最近出了个新网红 抢走了我的不少赞 |
| [02:57] | Johnny Goodwin. | 叫强尼·古德温 |
| [02:58] | So I have to do something huge, | 于是我必须拍些极其大胆的视频 |
| [02:59] | or Johnny’s gonna snake my spot as most- watched YouTuber. | 否则强尼就会抢走我在油管观看数量第一的宝座 |
| [03:02] | Look at this. Come here. | 你看这个 过来 |
| [03:07] | Did he just throw a live crocodile into that man’s bath? | 他刚是把一头活鳄鱼扔进了那个人的浴缸吗 |
| [03:10] | That’s his dad. | 那是他爸 |
| [03:12] | He does tons of dad videos. | 他拍了一堆跟他老爸相关的视频 |
| [03:13] | It’s spectacular content, yo. | 内容简直赞爆了 |
| [03:15] | His dad could have lost any number of very important body parts. | 他爸可能会被咬掉身体的任意重要器官 |
| [03:18] | My pops is not a team player like that, | 我老爸不同意配合我拍视频 |
| [03:20] | so I got to go in with the sharks. | 所以我只能跳进鲨鱼池里了 |
| [03:22] | I forbid it. | 我禁止你这么做 |
| [03:23] | As long as you’re spending time under my roof, | 只要你还在我家混日子 |
| [03:25] | you’re not going to do anything stupid. | 就休想干蠢事 |
| [03:26] | And before you retort, let me be clear – – | 在你反驳前 我先说清楚… |
| [03:28] | it is not Opposite Day | 这不是「相反日」 |
| [03:30] | and will never be Opposite Day. | 也永远不会是「相反日」 |
| [03:32] | Hold up. | 等等 |
| [03:35] | You could be my old dude. | 你可以来扮演我的旧搭档 |
| [03:36] | No. | 不行 |
| [03:37] | People already know you on my channel as Professor Badonkadonk. | 我那个频道上的人已经知道你是「海臀教授」了 |
| [03:39] | I’m not crazy about that. | 我可不太喜欢这个外号 |
| [03:41] | I’m not a Badonkadonk. | 我的屁股并不是「海臀」啊 |
| [03:42] | I have a normal- sized fanny. | 我的屁股大小很正常 |
| [03:43] | If I’m not getting the most likes when our book comes out, | 如果我们的书出版时 我的获赞数不是第一 |
| [03:45] | that’s bad for sales. | 那对销售是很不利的 |
| [03:46] | – Yeah, but – – – Which is bad for your bonus. | -没错 但… -这对你的分红是很不利的 |
| [03:48] | – But – – – Which means | -但是… -这意味着 |
| [03:49] | you spent the last five months with me | 你过去的五个月不得不忍受跟我在一起 |
| [03:51] | getting pelted with paintballs for no reason. | 被彩蛋猛击 却一无所获 |
| [03:53] | I still don’t think – – | 我还是觉得不该… |
| [03:54] | No reason! | 一无所获 |
| [03:56] | No reason! | 一无所获 |
| [03:57] | No reason! | 一无所获 |
| [03:59] | Okay, I’ll help you! | 好吧 我帮你 |
| [04:00] | Yeah! The Donks is in! | 太棒了 大屁股同意加入了 |
| [04:02] | Come here, let me give that ginormous ass a slap. | 过来 让我拍一下你巨大的屁股 |
| [04:05] | It’s not that big! | 我的屁股也没那么大 |
| [04:09] | Oliver wants driving lessons, | 奥利弗希望我们指导他驾驶 |
| [04:11] | and Anna-Kat and Taylor are at each other’s throats. | 安娜凯特和泰勒针锋相对 |
| [04:13] | I don’t have a second for myself. | 我根本没有自己的时间 |
| [04:15] | Well, with the divorce and splitting the kids with Richard, | 和理查德离婚 把孩子们分配给两个人后 |
| [04:17] | – all I have is time. – Me too. | -我现在时间多得很 -我也是 |
| [04:19] | Yesterday, I played “Fortnite” on my kids’ Xbox. | 昨天 我用孩子的游戏机打了《堡垒之夜》 |
| [04:22] | I had 18 kills, | 我虐杀了18个人 |
| [04:23] | then I got shot by a 9-year-old dressed like a banana. | 然后我就被一个穿得像香蕉的9岁小屁孩打死了 |
| [04:26] | Divorce is amazing. | 离婚赞爆了 |
| [04:27] | The only downside is that, if you fall in the shower, | 唯一的缺点是 如果你洗澡时摔倒了 |
| [04:29] | your kids are gonna find you naked. | 你的孩子进来就会看到你的裸体 |
| [04:31] | I’m not divorcing Greg. | 我没打算跟格雷格离婚 |
| [04:32] | Well, I can’t help you with Taylor and… | 泰勒和那个谁的事我帮不了你 |
| [04:37] | Anna-Kat. | 安娜凯特 |
| [04:39] | Yeah, Anna-Kat. | 没错 安娜凯特 |
| [04:40] | Uh, but I will take Oliver driving. | 但我可以教奥利弗开车 |
| [04:42] | Thank you, and why? | 谢谢你 但为什么 |
| [04:43] | Yeah, you can’t stand him. | 就是啊 你明明受不了他 |
| [04:45] | Uh, well, he’s fun to yell at. | 骂他很有趣啊 |
| [04:46] | He doesn’t cry, but his eyes get all glisteny like I like. | 他不会哭 但他会眼泛泪光 我看了就很爽 |
| [05:00] | Oh, dear! | 我的妈呀 |
| [05:05] | But, seriously, folks, gorillas are endangered. | 不过说真的 各位 大猩猩是濒危动物 |
| [05:08] | Recycle, yo. | 记得回收利用哦 |
| [05:15] | Oh, dear! | 我的妈呀 |
| [05:19] | Yes! | 太精彩了 |
| [05:20] | Disclaimer — no humans were harmed | 免责声明 没有人类 |
| [05:22] | during the filming of this video. | 在拍摄该视频过程中受伤 |
| [05:23] | My tailbone. | 我的尾椎骨 |
| [05:29] | Oh, fxxk, dear! | 操 我的妈呀 |
| [05:35] | Oh, dear. | 我的妈呀 |
| [05:37] | You gots to be ready for the second gorilla, Donks. | 你必须准备好迎接第二只大猩猩啊 大屁股 |
| [05:39] | You gots to! | 必须的 |
| [05:42] | Forget Johnny Goodwin’s dad. | 强尼·古德温算个屁 |
| [05:43] | You are racking up the likes! | 你的点赞数暴涨呢 |
| [05:45] | As long as we keep doing videos like these, | 只要我们继续拍这种整人视频 |
| [05:47] | our book sales are going to be as fat as that ass. | 我们书的销量就会像那屁股一样”巨大” |
| [05:50] | It’s normal-sized! | 只是普通大小好吗 |
| [05:52] | By the way, you don’t have a pacemaker, do you? | 顺便问下 你的心脏没装起搏器吧 |
| [05:54] | You’re not tasing me. | 你不准电击我 |
| [05:56] | You know what? | 知道吗 |
| [05:57] | Kate’s right — | 凯特说得没错 |
| [05:58] | sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh. | 有时你真让人身心俱疲 老兄 |
| [06:05] | Where did you get that? | 那椅子你从哪弄来的 |
| [06:07] | I found it in the basement. | 我在地下室找到的 |
| [06:08] | Your dad and I used to have this in our first apartment, | 那是我和你爸住的第一套公寓里用的椅子 |
| [06:11] | before we had kids. | 那时我们还没有孩子 |
| [06:14] | Let me get in there. | 让我坐一下 |
| [06:18] | I loved this chair. | 我以前爱死这张椅子了 |
| [06:21] | I used to take naps in it and read books. | 我以前常坐在上面打盹 看书 |
| [06:24] | Books? Really? | 看书 真的吗 |
| [06:27] | It’s like learning you used to be a figure skater. | 这跟得知你以前玩花滑一样令我震惊 |
| [06:29] | I know it’s hard to believe, | 我知道这很难令人相信 |
| [06:30] | but before I had kids, my brain used to work. | 但在我一孕傻三年之前 我的脑子是好使的 |
| [06:32] | Was there anything else down there? | 地下室里还有其他东西吗 |
| [06:34] | Oh, yeah. A bunch of other weird old stuff, | 有 还有一些古怪的旧东西 |
| [06:36] | lot of photos and baby junk taking up | 很多照片和婴儿旧物占满了 |
| [06:38] | perfectly good fallout-shelter real estate. | 绝佳的核战避难所 |
| [06:48] | There. | 好了 |
| [06:49] | Now it looks exactly | 现在这里看起来 |
| [06:51] | like the old studio apartment dad and I lived in. | 跟我和你爸以前住的旧单房公寓一模一样 |
| [06:54] | None of this was on my vision board. | 这些跟我愿景板上的东西完全不一样 |
| [06:56] | And I don’t believe Jackie O had a hot-dog toaster. | 杰姬应该也不会有台热狗面包机 |
| [07:00] | When is Doris gonna take me driving? | 多瑞丝什么时候带我去学开车 |
| [07:02] | Mom, there’s a party tonight. | 老妈 今晚有个派对 |
| [07:03] | Can’t you be cool and ground me some other time? | 你就不能酷一点 改天再禁足我吗 |
| [07:06] | Hey. You wanna hear the most beautiful sound in the world? | 嘿 你想听史上最美妙的声音吗 |
| [07:09] | Yeah. | 想啊 |
| [07:12] | – Mom! -Seriously?! | -老妈 -你不是吧 |
| [07:13] | – Mom, it’s my room! – When is Doris gonna take me driving?! | -老妈 这是我的房间 -多瑞丝几时教我开车 |
| [07:14] | Why can’t I go to the party?! | 我为什么不能去派对 |
| [07:15] | – Open it up! – Mum! | -快开门 -妈 |
| [07:18] | Come on! | 快点啊 |
| [07:42] | If you have a complaint, demand, a question | 如果你要投诉 或提要求 或者问 |
| [07:43] | about anything other than last night’s episode of “The Bachelor,” | 除了昨晚那集《单身汉》之外的问题 |
| [07:47] | I’m not here! | 老娘都不在 |
| [07:49] | What’s going on in — | 怎么回事 |
| [07:51] | This looks like our old apartment. | 这里看起来就像我们的旧公寓 |
| [07:52] | Isn’t it amazing? | 是不是很赞啊 |
| [07:54] | It is. | 是的 |
| [07:55] | Plus… | 另外 |
| [07:57] | I saw Lonnie Googling, “How poisonous are scorpions?” | 我看见朗尼上网搜 “蝎子毒性有多强” |
| [07:59] | So it’s nice to be in a safe place right now. | 所以此刻能待在一个安全的地方是好事 |
| [08:02] | Oh, my God, the tiki bar. | 天呐 是提基吧 |
| [08:04] | The easy charm of French Polynesia | 既有法属玻利尼西亚的魅力 |
| [08:06] | with none of the painful colonialist scars. | 又没有那些痛苦的殖民伤疤 |
| [08:09] | The lamp I used to hit my head on. | 我以前常撞到头的那盏灯 |
| [08:12] | The chair we accidentally made Taylor in. | 我们不小心怀上泰勒的那张椅子 |
| [08:15] | The old VCR! | 以前那台录像机 |
| [08:16] | It still has “How to Make an American Quilt” jammed inside. | 《恋爱编织梦》那卷带子还卡在里面 |
| [08:19] | I think, of all the group sewing movies, | 我想 在所有集体缝纫电影里 |
| [08:21] | that one is my favorite. | 那部是我的最爱 |
| [08:22] | So, what does Anna-Kat think of her new room? | 安娜凯特觉得她的新房间如何 |
| [08:23] | We don’t have kids yet, Greg. It’s 1999. | 我们还没有孩子呢 格雷格 现在是1999年 |
| [08:28] | My only obligation is to finally finish this book. | 我唯一的义务就是终于看完这本书 |
| [08:33] | My devil sticks! | 我的魔棒 |
| [08:35] | I used to rock these. | 我以前是抛接达人 |
| [08:41] | I’m not going through this again. | 我不要再经历这种事了 |
| [08:47] | Wow, you’re giving me driving lessons in a Bentley? | 天呐 你要用宾利教我开车吗 |
| [08:53] | Hey! Stop groping my car, perv! | 喂 别乱摸我的车 死变态 |
| [08:55] | Get in. | 上车 |
| [08:59] | You’re not sitting up here with me? | 你不跟我一起坐在前面吗 |
| [09:00] | No. | 不 |
| [09:01] | You know I don’t like being around you. | 你知道我不喜欢待在你旁边 |
| [09:03] | Then why did you offer to drive with me? | 那你为何主动提出要教我开车 |
| [09:05] | I’m getting dental work done. | 我准备去补牙 |
| [09:06] | They’re putting me under | 他们会给我打麻醉 |
| [09:07] | and say I need someone I know to drive me home. | 并且说我需要一个认识的人载我回家 |
| [09:09] | Why me? | 为什么选我 |
| [09:10] | Because the procedure takes three hours, | 因为手术过程要三小时 |
| [09:12] | and I didn’t want to make anyone wait. | 我不想麻烦任何人等我 |
| [09:14] | Your time is worth nothing. | 你的时间根本不值钱 |
| [09:15] | Drive! | 开车吧 |
| [09:23] | Where am I going? | 我要开去哪儿 |
| [09:25] | Just get on the Parkway. | 就开上公园大道吧 |
| [09:25] | Oh, no, I only know how to drive on regular streets. | 不行 我只会在普通马路上开车 |
| [09:28] | Take the Parkway. | 开上公园大道 |
| [09:29] | I’m not ready. | 我还没准备好 |
| [09:30] | The Parkway! | 公园大道 |
| [09:31] | You’re right. Studies show that screaming | 你做得对 研究显示大吼大叫 |
| [09:33] | improves both confidence and cognition. | 能提高信心和认知能力 |
| [09:35] | Stop overthinking it and just go! | 别胡思乱想了 就开吧 |
| [09:37] | You’re a bully, and I won’t be bullied. | 你是个恶霸 我不会被你霸凌的 |
| [09:39] | I help kids deal with people like you | 我每天都在青少年求助热线帮孩子们 |
| [09:40] | every day at Teen Help Line. | 应对你这样的人 |
| [09:41] | Ugh! Teen Help Line. | 我呸 青少年求助热线 |
| [09:44] | This is how every call should go. | 你应该对每个求助者这样说 |
| [09:46] | “Thanks for calling Teen Help Line. | “感谢致电青少年求助热线 |
| [09:48] | Time to sack up, loser!” | 该爷们儿点了 废物” |
| [09:57] | I did it! | 我做到了 |
| [09:59] | I finally finished “Gone Girl.” | 我终于看完了《消失的爱人》 |
| [10:00] | – Well? – Didn’t care for it. | -怎么样 -不怎么喜欢 |
| [10:02] | Should have just watched the movie. | 就该直接看电影的 |
| [10:03] | At least I would have seen some Affleck peen. | 至少能看到阿弗莱克的鸡鸡 |
| [10:06] | Should we go back out in the real world? | 我们该回到现实世界了吗 |
| [10:08] | I have to work on the John Stuart Mill syllabus | 我得去研究约翰·斯图尔特·米尔的教学大纲 |
| [10:09] | for my three students. | 虽然只有三个学生 |
| [10:11] | Or we could stay in here a bit longer. | 或者我们在这多待一阵 |
| [10:14] | What else did we used to do back then? | 我们那时还经常干什么来着 |
| [10:17] | We still do that now. | 那个我们现在也”干”啊 |
| [10:19] | Not the way we used to. | 但和以前不同 |
| [10:20] | Well, if we’re gonna do it that way, | 好吧 如果要像以前那样 |
| [10:21] | I need 15 minutes to stretch. | 我得先做15分钟的拉伸运动 |
| [10:28] | I like post-dental surgery Doris. | 我喜欢看完牙医的多瑞丝 |
| [10:31] | I’ve been driving for 10 minutes, | 我已经开了10分钟 |
| [10:32] | and you haven’t pointed out any of the places I’m gonna start balding. | 你还没指着我身上的任何地方说会掉毛变秃 |
| [10:37] | I can’t believe he just walked out. | 我不敢相信他就那么走了 |
| [10:40] | He didn’t even want to work on it. | 他都不想努力一下 |
| [10:41] | The dentist? | 牙医吗 |
| [10:43] | What is going on in your mouth? | 你嘴里到底怎么了 |
| [10:45] | No. Richard. | 不 我是说理查德 |
| [10:46] | Just forget I said anything, okay? | 把我说的都忘了吧 好吗 |
| [10:49] | I’m all sideways from the nitrous. | 麻醉剂已经让我飘飘欲仙 |
| [10:50] | And I might’ve taken a few pre-game anti-anxiety pals. | 我也许还吃了些热身抗焦虑”伙伴” |
| [10:54] | Pills. | 是”药片” |
| [10:55] | No, they’re my pals. | 不 它们就是我的伙伴 |
| [10:57] | If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen. | 如果你想谈谈 我会倾听的 |
| [10:59] | Do not Teen Help Line me, | 少跟我来青少年求助热线那套 |
| [11:01] | or I will teen face punch you. | 否则我就揍你这张青少年嫩脸 |
| [11:04] | Richard should be driving me home. | 该是理查德开车送我回家才对 |
| [11:07] | He was my “In case of emergency” contact. | 他是我的”紧急联络人” |
| [11:10] | Now you are! | 现在变成你了 |
| [11:13] | And I thought sleeping with my dog’s allergist | 我以为和我狗狗的过敏专科医生上床 |
| [11:15] | was rock bottom… | 已经是我的谷底了 |
| [11:17] | Why didn’t you call my mom or Angela? | 你为什么不打给我妈或安吉拉 |
| [11:19] | I didn’t want their pity. | 我不想让她们同情我 |
| [11:21] | I’m always telling them how divorce | 我总是告诉她们离婚后 |
| [11:22] | and all the free time I have now is amazing. | 我重获自由 有多么幸福 |
| [11:25] | But it’s not. | 但其实不是 |
| [11:27] | It’s really lonely. | 其实我很孤单 |
| [11:28] | Well, the best thing to do is talk about your feelings. | 那最佳的方法就是说出自己的感受 |
| [11:31] | – You know, get out — – There’s a gun in my glove compartment! | -一吐为快… -我的杂物箱里有把枪 |
| [11:33] | Shoot me with it! | 毙了我吧 |
| [11:36] | Alright. | 好吧 |
| [11:38] | You were saying? | 你刚才说什么 |
| [11:40] | You may not be able to see it now, | 你也许现在没意识到 |
| [11:41] | but you’re lucky. | 但你很幸运 |
| [11:42] | You’ve got close friends. | 你有好朋友 |
| [11:45] | And if you stop pretending to be so tough all the time | 如果你不再一直假装自己很坚强 |
| [11:47] | and open up to them, | 并向她们敞开心扉 |
| [11:48] | I’m confident that, with their help, | 我相信 有她们的帮助 |
| [11:51] | you’ll be able to move on from Richard | 你肯定可以慢慢淡忘掉理查德 |
| [11:52] | and have a fulfilling, happy life. | 拥有充实幸福的生活 |
| [11:58] | Holy crap! | 见鬼 |
| [11:59] | What?! | 怎么了 |
| [12:00] | You’re on the Parkway. | 你在公园大道上 |
| [12:02] | Hey, I am. | 天呐 真的唉 |
| [12:03] | Guess I was so busy talking to you, I didn’t think about it. | 我光忙着跟你说话 都没注意到这点 |
| [12:07] | I’m driving on the Parkway. | 我竟然开上公园大道了 |
| [12:09] | Now let me give you some advice — | 现在换我给你点建议 |
| [12:10] | do not do drugs. | 别嗑药 |
| [12:13] | But if you do, you should take whatever I’m on, | 但如果非要嗑 就嗑我现在用的这种 |
| [12:15] | because I am feeling gooood. | 因为我感觉太爽了 |
| [12:24] | Since Mom is making you stay in my room, | 既然妈妈让你待在我房间 |
| [12:25] | I guess I have to tell you I’m sneaking out | 我想我得告诉你我要偷偷溜出去 |
| [12:27] | to go to that party. | 参加那个派对 |
| [12:28] | You’re grounded. Mom’s not gonna like it. | 你被禁足了 妈妈不会喜欢的 |
| [12:31] | So you’re gonna tattle again? | 那你又要告密了 |
| [12:32] | It’s not tattling. It’s just telling Mom the truth. | 这不是告密 是告诉妈妈事实 |
| [12:35] | You need to get on my side. | 你得站在我这边 |
| [12:37] | It goes both ways. | 这是双赢 |
| [12:38] | You cover for me, I cover for you. | 你替我打掩护 我替你打掩护 |
| [12:40] | I don’t need you to cover for me. | 我不需要你替我打掩护 |
| [12:42] | But eventually you will. | 但总有一天你会需要 |
| [12:43] | You’re gonna want to do things they don’t want you to do. | 你会想做一些他们不希望你做的事 |
| [12:45] | Like get that Hindenburg tattoo. | 比如纹兴登堡号纹身 |
| [12:48] | “Oh, the humanity” written amongst the flames. | 纹上”哦 人类啊”几个字被火焰环绕的图案吗 |
| [12:51] | To do it right, it’d need to cover my whole back. | 如果要纹那个 得覆盖我的整个背 |
| [12:53] | Mom’s not gonna let you do that. | 妈妈不会让你这么做的 |
| [12:55] | So when you do it anyways, you need me on your side. | 所以如果你还是打算纹 就需要我站在你这边 |
| [12:57] | And the only way I’m gonna do that | 而我会愿意这么做的唯一前提 |
| [12:59] | is if you’re on my side. | 是你先站在我这边 |
| [13:00] | Squid pro quo. | 等价交换 |
| [13:02] | – You shouldn’t go. – I have to. | -你不该去 -我必须去 |
| [13:04] | The party is all everyone will be talking about at lunch on Monday, | 这是周一午餐时大家都会谈论的派对 |
| [13:07] | going like, “That was so epic,” | 比如”简直太棒了” |
| [13:09] | and I’ll be like, “Totes MaGotes Papa Choats,” | 而我只能瞎扯些有的没的 |
| [13:11] | and they’ll be like, “L.” | 他们就会骂我是”垃圾” |
| [13:15] | It’s a grown-up thing. You wouldn’t understand. | 这是成年人的社交方式 你不懂的 |
| [13:31] | In here, it is 1999. | 在这里 是1999年 |
| [13:34] | No kids. No exes. | 没有孩子 没有前任 |
| [13:37] | No “Fortnite.” | 没有《堡垒之夜》 |
| [13:39] | Seriously, I cannot stop playing. | 说真的 我玩上瘾了 |
| [13:41] | I haven’t gone to work in two days. | 我已经两天没去上班了 |
| [13:45] | Katie? | 凯蒂 |
| [13:47] | Be cool. | 都淡定 |
| [13:48] | It’s my old man. | 是我家老头 |
| [13:52] | Hey, honey. | 亲爱的 |
| [13:54] | It’s midnight. What’s going on with you? | 都半夜了 你在干什么 |
| [13:56] | You’ve been locked in that room for 12 hours. | 你已经锁在那房间里12个小时了 |
| [13:57] | And yet…I have never felt more free. | 但是 我感到了前所未有的自由 |
| [14:00] | Greg, kids are like a 24-hour diner — | 格雷格 孩子就像24小时餐厅 |
| [14:02] | once it opens, it never closes. | 一旦开张 就永不歇业 |
| [14:04] | And you can’t skip a shift. Ever. | 而且你没法换班休息 永远不行 |
| [14:06] | This room is taking me back | 这个房间带我回到了 |
| [14:08] | before we opened our diner. | 我们餐厅开张之前 |
| [14:10] | I’m tired. | 我累了 |
| [14:11] | – And I just need a break. – I get that. | -我只想休息 -我明白 |
| [14:13] | But just for my own crazy wanting-to-know-what’s-going-on, | 但我就是想知道这到底是怎么回事 |
| [14:15] | how long are you planning to pretend you don’t have kids? | 你打算假装自己没有孩子多久 |
| [14:17] | How long did I pretend my hand was broken | 之前我假装自己手断了有多久 |
| [14:19] | so you had to do all the cooking? | 好让你了做饭 |
| [14:20] | Six months. | 六个月 |
| [14:21] | That sounds about right. | 这听上去不错 |
| [14:23] | Taylor? | 泰勒 |
| [14:26] | Cover my tables. I’m calling in sick. | 替我看着我的桌子 我打算请病假 |
| [14:28] | What do you think you’re doing? | 你以为你在干什么 |
| [14:30] | I was just downstairs getting a midnight snack. | 我刚刚下楼去吃点宵夜 |
| [14:34] | Dressed like that? | 穿成这样吗 |
| [14:39] | Is there anything I could say that would get me out of this? | 我能说点什么为自己开脱吗 |
| [14:41] | I’m taking suggestions. | 我在征集建议 |
| [14:43] | Go to your room. | 滚回你的房间 |
| [14:45] | I will deal with you in the morning. | 我明早再收拾你 |
| [14:50] | She didn’t even try climbing up trellis. | 她都没试图从棚架上爬进房间去 |
| [14:53] | She just walk straight to the front door. | 她就径直走到前门 大摇大摆地进来 |
| [14:55] | What kind of sneaking is that? | 这算是哪门子的”偷溜” |
| [14:57] | It reflects so poorly on me as a mother. | 显得我这个妈没教好她似的 |
| [15:00] | Katie, you cannot leave me with 1999 Doris. | 凯蒂 你不能把我和1999年的多瑞丝留在里面 |
| [15:03] | She keeps doing the “Wassup” commercial. | 她不停模仿着那个”咋样”的广告 |
| [15:06] | – Wassup?! – See? | -咋样 -你瞧 |
| [15:10] | I just wanted to take a little break, | 我就想稍微休息一下 |
| [15:12] | but you couldn’t let me, could you? | 但你就是不让我休息 是不是 |
| [15:14] | I know what happened. | 我知道怎么回事 |
| [15:16] | You saw a little glimmer of freedom in my eye, | 你看到我眼中闪着自由的光 |
| [15:18] | and you couldn’t stand it, and you had to snuff it out! | 你受不了 你就必须掐灭它 |
| [15:21] | You’re a mother-snuffer! | 你就是”母亲掐手” |
| [15:23] | It wasn’t Taylor’s fault. | 那不是泰勒的错 |
| [15:27] | When I was going to bed, | 我要上床睡觉时 |
| [15:28] | I realized I’d left my jacket at the park, | 发现我把外套落在了公园 |
| [15:30] | so Taylor went to go get it for me. | 所以泰勒替我去拿 |
| [15:32] | Then why was she all dressed up? | 那她为什么要盛装打扮 |
| [15:36] | There was a fashion flash mob at the same time. | 那时候刚好有场时尚快闪 |
| [15:40] | To raise awareness for the garment industry working conditions. | 目的是提升民众对服装产业工作环境的认识 |
| [15:43] | How did Taylor know about it? | 泰勒怎么会知道的 |
| [15:44] | How did you not know? | 你怎么会不知道 |
| [15:46] | Offline Otto over here. | 下线奥图在此 |
| [15:48] | So Taylor went and got my jacket for me. | 所以泰勒去帮我拿外套了 |
| [15:51] | ‘Cause that’s what sisters do. | 因为姐妹就是这样 |
| [15:53] | They have each other’s backs. | 她们会互相照应 |
| [15:56] | That is the most ridiculous… | 这真是我听过的最荒谬的… |
| [15:57] | Ok. Thank you for clearing that up. | 好了 多谢你澄清此事 |
| [15:59] | Very nice of you, Taylor. Saved me a trip. | 你真棒 泰勒 让我少跑一趟 |
| [16:02] | You’re welcome. | 不客气 |
| [16:07] | Are you still drunk? | 你还醉着呢吗 |
| [16:09] | A little. | 有一点 |
| [16:10] | Listen, I’ve got some good news and bad news. | 听着 我有好消息和坏消息 |
| [16:13] | Okay, let’s start with the good news. | 那先说好消息吧 |
| [16:14] | Anna-Kat was covering for Taylor. | 安娜凯特在为泰勒打掩护 |
| [16:17] | She has never done that before. | 她之前从没这样做过 |
| [16:19] | Don’t you see what this means? | 难道你看不出来这意味着什么吗 |
| [16:20] | I have some ideas, | 我有些想法 |
| [16:21] | but I sense you really just want to say your thing. | 但我感觉你只是想说你的 |
| [16:23] | The kids are starting to take care of one another. | 孩子们开始互相照顾了 |
| [16:26] | If I’m not available, they will turn to each other and not me. | 如果我没空 他们会去找对方而不是我 |
| [16:30] | That means I get more breaks! | 这就意味着我有更多休息时间 |
| [16:32] | I’m gonna go check on Doris. | 我去看看多瑞丝 |
| [16:33] | She went pretty hard last night, passed out. | 她昨天喝太猛 晕过去了 |
| [16:35] | Wait, what’s the bad news. | 等等 坏消息是什么 |
| [16:37] | Anna-Kat is a terrible liar. | 安娜凯特太不会说谎了 |
| [16:40] | Once again, this reflects poorly on me as a mother. | 再一次说明 我作为母亲太不尽职了 |
| [16:49] | Oh, dear! | 我的妈呀 |
| [16:53] | Come on, Lonnie. You’ve done this same prank so many times! | 拜托 朗尼 你做了太多次同样的恶作剧了 |
| [16:56] | No, this one’s totally different. | 不 这一次完全不同 |
| [16:58] | I’m a lady gorilla. Didn’t you notice the bikini? | 我是母猩猩 你没看到比基尼吗 |
| [17:00] | The future is female, bruh. | 未来是女性 兄弟 |
| [17:02] | I’m not doing your videos anymore. | 我不会再跟你拍视频了 |
| [17:03] | The book isn’t worth it. I’m a respected educator. | 这本书不值得 我是位受尊敬的教育工作者 |
| [17:06] | My job is to make the world smarter. | 我的工作是让世界变得更聪明 |
| [17:07] | These videos are clearly only making it dumber. | 而这些视频 显然只能让世界更愚蠢 |
| [17:10] | So, enough is enough. | 所以适可而止吧 |
| [17:11] | I’m professor Otto, not professor Badonkadonk! | 我是奥图教授 不是海臀教授 |
| [17:16] | Don’t worry, folks. he doesn’t mean it. | 别担心 各位 他不是这个意思 |
| [17:17] | It’s opposite day. | 今天是反话日 |
| [17:18] | I said it would never be opposite day! | 我说了永远不会有反话日 |
| [17:20] | Yeah, but you said it on opposite day! | 得了吧 你是在反话日说的这话 |
| [17:29] | You did some damage last night. | 你昨晚搞了很多破坏 |
| [17:36] | I’m miserable being divorced. | 我离婚好痛苦 |
| [17:39] | I had a feeling. | 我感觉到了 |
| [17:41] | Why didn’t you say something? | 你怎么不说出来呢 |
| [17:43] | You know that I’m here for you. | 你知道我会在你身边支持你的 |
| [17:46] | Yeah. I do. | 是 我知道 |
| [17:50] | Okay. | 好了 |
| [17:52] | Look, I know you said no kid talk last night… | 我知道你昨晚说了不能提孩子 |
| [17:54] | but I want to tell you something, | 但我想告诉你 |
| [17:56] | and this isn’t easy for me to say — | 而且我说这话不容易 |
| [18:00] | Oliver is really becoming… | 奥利弗开始变得… |
| [18:04] | less hateable. | 不那么令人讨厌了 |
| [18:06] | Are you trying to tell me | 你是想告诉我 |
| [18:08] | that you are starting to like him? | 你开始喜欢他了吗 |
| [18:10] | No. Never! | 不 不可能 |
| [18:12] | I’m just saying he’s… detestable lite. | 我只是说他… 没那么可恶了 |
| [18:17] | I was in a bad way yesterday, | 我昨天状态很糟糕 |
| [18:18] | and he really helped me through something. | 他真的帮我渡过了一些困难 |
| [18:22] | Parenting is such a grind, | 做父母是件苦差事 |
| [18:25] | but then someone comes along and tells you | 但偶尔有人来告诉你 |
| [18:27] | that your son is a good kid — | 你儿子是个好孩子 |
| [18:30] | I never said “good kid.” | 我从没说是”好孩子” |
| [18:32] | It makes you not want to pretend | 这让你不想再假装 |
| [18:33] | that you don’t have them anymore. | 你是个没有孩子的人 |
| [18:36] | I’m glad I could help. | 很高兴我帮上了一点忙 |
| [18:38] | Now I really got to do something about this hangover. | 现在我真得去解决一下宿醉这个问题了 |
| [18:46] | Oliver, quit doing gross boy stuff! | 奥利弗 别再做男孩那些恶心的事了 |
| [18:49] | I need you to drive me to taco bell! | 我需要你载我去塔可钟餐厅 |
| [19:01] | You’re here for John Stuart Mill: An intro to utilitarianism? | 你们是来听《约翰·米尔:功利主义简介》的吗 |
| [19:03] | Damn straight! | 当然 |
| [19:05] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [19:06] | Well, welcome, everyone. | 欢迎大家 |
| [19:10] | Dude, say, “oh, dear!” | 老兄 说”我的妈呀” |
| [19:20] | My name is professor Otto. | 我是奥图教授 |
| [19:27] | – This sucks. – Get outta here. | -真没劲 -走吧 |
| [19:35] | The cornerstone of Mill’s philosophy | 米尔的哲学基础 |
| [19:39] | is the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people | 就是大多数人的幸福 |
| [19:42] | should be the guiding principle of any conduct. | 应是任何行为的指导原则 |
| [19:45] | With that in mind, | 有鉴于此… |
| [19:47] | I give you… | 容我向你们介绍 |
| [19:48] | Badonkadonk! | 海臀 |
| [19:51] | Date my mom, professor badonkadonk! | 和我妈约会吧 海臀教授 |
| [19:54] | Badonkadonk! | 海臀 |
| [19:56] | Let’s get started. | 我们开始吧 |
| [20:00] | I think this is the last of your old stuff. | 这应该是你最后一点旧东西了 |
| [20:03] | Sorry I stole your room for a little while. | 抱歉我占用了你的房间一段时间 |
| [20:05] | It’s okay, mom. | 没事的 老妈 |
| [20:06] | Mood swings are very common for a woman your age, | 情绪波动对你这个年龄的女人来说很常见 |
| [20:08] | as well as hot flashes and… | 同时还有热潮红以及… |
| [20:10] | Anna-kat, I’m not even 40! | 安娜凯特 我还没到40岁呢 |
| [20:12] | irritability. | 易怒 |
| [20:13] | Moving on. | 换个话题 |
| [20:15] | Dad and I talked about it, | 我跟你爸谈过了 |
| [20:17] | and we are going to find a way to buy you some of that stuff | 我们准备想办法给你买一些你想要的 |
| [20:19] | that you want for your big girl room. | 用来装饰你大姑娘房间的东西 |
| [20:21] | Are you serious? | 你说真的吗 |
| [20:26] | Thanks, mom. | 谢谢你 老妈 |
| [20:29] | I don’t care what anyone else says — | 我不管别人怎么说 |
| [20:31] | I think you’re handling menopause with a lot of grace. | 我觉得你在更年期的表现很不错 |
| [20:39] | Well, I guess in the end, | 说到底 |
| [20:43] | I married the person I thought my parents want me to marry. | 我嫁的是我觉得我父母想让我嫁的人 |
| [20:45] | Not the man I wanted to marry. | 而不是我想嫁的男人 |
| [20:47] | I thought you were supposed to talk to my mom about these stuff. | 你不是应该和我妈聊这些吗 |
| [20:49] | Well, she doesn’t always have the best advice. | 她并非总是有最好的建议 |
| [20:51] | Plus, she doesn’t know anything about divorce. | 再说了 她根本不了解离婚的事 |
| [20:52] | And I do? | 我就了解吗 |
| [20:53] | Well, you’re very familiar with loneliness, I imagine. | 我感觉你对独孤寂寞很熟悉 |
| [20:57] | For your information, I am single by choice. | 跟你说清楚一下 我这是主动选择的单身 |
| [20:59] | Yeah, other people’s choice. | 是啊 其他人都不选你嘛 |
| [21:03] | I see you’re feeling better. | 看来你感觉好点了 |